


Today, Tomorrow, and for as Long as I Live

by Dont_do_sadness



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Childhood Friends, Coming Out, Coming To Terms With Being Queer, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Family, Feel-good, Gay Keith (Voltron), Grief/Mourning, Heed that major character death warning, Keith/Lance (Voltron)-centric, Lance x therapy, Langst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Possible Character Death, Self-Harm, Sexual Harassment, Suicide, Suicide Attempts, Support Systems, Then, Therapy, based on authors real life, childhood AU, coming of age story, dealing with grief, disordered eating behaviours, dont let me scare you, gay realizations, it gets sad, just let me prepare you, klangst, learning how to cope, lots of fluff to begin with, ridiculous amounts of pining, seriously, this is a good story though I promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:02:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23233693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_do_sadness/pseuds/Dont_do_sadness
Summary: Lance met Keith in grade three. They became best friends.And then they weren’t friends anymore.And then they were friends again!And then they were something more...And then...
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 43





	1. Grade Three

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello hello!
> 
> So. I’m starting a new work. Even though I have so much of my avatar au left to write... oh well! It’ll get done, I promise. 
> 
> For those of you new to my work, hello! I hope you’re here because you like Klance and sappy childhood au’s because that’s what this is! 
> 
> I struggled with the idea of writing this for awhile, because it’s a really personal story. A lot of it is based off of my life, but of course some of it is different. Mostly, it’s about Lance as he grows up and learns some bad things and struggles through some even worse things. It’s about life, and death, and dealing with those things we can’t seem to place but feel with our entire beings. So, warning, this is a sad story, but it’s also a good story. 
> 
> I hope you all like the first chapter, and don’t worry, it’s very happy.

The sun was warm but the air was cool. It was one of those perfect September days, the ones where the sun shone down and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, but it wasn’t sweltering like it had been in August. It was pleasant, the perfect temperature for Lance to be out in the schoolyard with only a sweater on. The rest of the kids had already tossed their sweaters and jackets, piling them up in order to make two posts for each of the nets. 

They were playing soccer, as they always did. Every recess, every day, every year with out fail, Lance’s class would go out into the field, make some makeshift soccer nets with piles of jackets or traffic cones, and they would play soccer.

And it’s not like Lance didn’t like soccer, he enjoyed it actually, but it got boring after awhile, ok? It was always the same thing everyday. The recess bell would ring and they would shout: “First ones to the field is team captain!” and it was _always_ James and Ryan who got to be team captains because they were the fastest. And then they would pick teams, and they would _always_ pick the same people first and leave the same people for last (Lance was never last to be picked, but he was never first either). Then, the game would start and James and Ryan would always fight and then what usually ended up happening was a teacher would hear the fight, walk over, and ban them from playing soccer for the rest of recess. 

So, it had become a routine and Lance was _bored_ of it, ok? He was so bored.

But, the thing was, everyone played soccer. All his friends, all his classmates, everyone. Even some of the kids from grades below and above him joined in! So, if Lance decided he _didn’t_ want to play soccer, then he would be all alone for the whole entire recess. And being alone for the whole entire recess was not something Lance wanted. 

So, he played soccer. Time and time and time again he played soccer. 

Until that day. That beautiful September day in Grade three when Lance had had enough, and left the soccer field.

He walked away, just like that, further into the school yard, away from the shouting kids and the teachers on duty and the playground and the sandbox. Away from the expectations and the school yard cultural norms and up the hill at the very back of the school yard.

The hill was pretty big, and there were two trees on the top, one behind the other. They were big oak trees with roots that stuck up and out and sprawled across the top of the grassy hill. Their branches swayed in the wind and their leaves rustled, making it seem like they were whispering, calling out to Lance. 

“Come play with us, Lance,” they said, “we won’t make you kick a soccer ball.” 

So Lance climbed the hill, and when he got to the top, he stared up at the first tree, wondering how hard it would be to try and reach that first branch. It was high up, about twice Lance’s height, and even when he jumped Lance couldn’t reach it. He sighed, defeated, and sat down amount the roots instead. 

As he sat there, purposefully looking away from the soccer field down below, he could see the whole other side of the hill, the side that sloped down and spanned out to the houses behind the school. Lance knew he couldn’t go down there, that was off of school property. If he went down there he would be breaking rules and Lance _never_ broke rules. 

But... wait... was that? 

Lance leaned forward and squinted his eyes, trying to see if that was really who he thought it was or if his eyes were just playing tricks on him and-

Lance gasped.

It was!

Down below the hill, sitting in front of the fence that separated some person’s backyard from the school yard, was a boy from Lance’s class. The quiet boy with messy, jet black hair and pale skin, a lot paler than Lance’s and most of the other kids in their class. 

The boy was poking a stick through the slot between the wooden boards of the fence, and Lance wondered why on earth he would be doing such a thing.

So, without further hesitation, Lance walked down the hill.

“Hey,” he said, making the boy jump a little bit and drop his stick. “Why are you doing that? You know you’re not supposed to be here, right?”

The boy looked up at him with a frown, but didn’t say anything.

So Lance, ever the teachers pet, continued his lecture. “You can’t be here, you’re breaking the rules.”

The boy stood up and crossed his arms, shooting Lance an annoyed look. “I don’t care,” he said.

And Lance... poor, goody-two-shoes Lance, just gasped at the boy. “Don’t care? _How_ can you not care! You’re gonna get in trouble!” 

The boy just shrugged and dropped his arms. “I don’t care.” 

Lance, completely baffled, had nothing to say. He stood there, gaping at the boy as he sat back down and peered through the fence. 

Lance knew he should just leave. Just walk back up the hill and leave this boy alone. After all, it wasn’t _his_ job to make sure the boy didn’t get in trouble. All he had to worry about was himself, and if he stayed here any longer a teacher could spot him and then they’d _both_ be in big trouble.

Lance didn’t like being in trouble.

But Lance also didn’t like being alone at recess...

Against all of his better judgement and everything his mama taught him, Lance sat down next to the boy. 

“What’re you looking at?” 

The boy didn’t answer, and Lance grew impatient. He shifted closer so he could also peer through the fence, and what he saw...

Confused him even more.

“There’s nothing there!” He complained. “It’s just a boring backyard.” 

“Shh.” The boy hissed.

“What?” Lance asked, annoyance growing into anger. 

“Shh!” The boy snapped again. “Just listen.” 

Lance was about to argue, but then he heard it, a tiny little mewl, coming from the other side of the fence. 

Lance looked closer and then, to the right, almost blocked out by the fence, was a tiny kitten. 

Lance gasped, completely amazed that such a tiny creature existed. He tentatively stuck his finger through the fence and wiggled it around, trying to get the kitten’s attention. 

The kitten crouched low, wiggled it’s little bum and then sprung up into the air, pouncing on Lance’s finger.

Lance giggled and moved his hand around, getting the kitten to keep attacking it. It was fun, and the kitten was so cute. 

Beside him, the boy gasped loudly. “How’d you do that?” He asked softly.

“Do what?” Lance questioned, smiling as the kitten tried biting his finger. It felt like the tiny prick of a safety pin. 

“Get it to play with you. I’ve been trying all recess.” 

Lance shrugged and smiled wider when the kitten started lapping at his finger. “I dunno. I guess it just likes me more.”

The boy huffed loudly. “It does not.”

“Does too.”

“Does not! You probably just have leftover jelly on your hands and that’s why it’s licking you.”

“Nuh Huh.” Lance countered. “I washed my hands after lunch.” 

The kitten fell onto it’s back and Lance happily started rubbing it’s belly. 

“That’s not fair,” the boy whispered angrily. 

“Here, you try petting him,” Lance said, shifting to make room at the fence for the boy. He had to remove his hand in order for the boy’s to be able to fit through the slot. He carefully touched the kitten’s belly, slowly, as if he was scared it would run away. 

But it didn’t, and the boy smiled as he stroked up and down the kitten’s soft belly.

“There, see?” Lance said, a little too smugly. “It likes you too.” 

-

A few more minutes went by and then the bell was ringing, signalling the end of recess. The kitten got spooked by the noise and scampered off, leaving a frown of disappointment on the boy’s face. 

“Come on,” Lance said, getting up from his crouch and stretched his sore legs. “Recess is over.” 

The boy sat there still, frowning at the fence. Lance leaned down and shoved his hand in the boy’s face. “Come _on._ If we’re late we’ll be in trouble.” 

The boy looked up at him, still frowning, but took his hand and stood up. 

“Why are you so scared of getting in trouble?” The boy asked as the two of them set off across the field and back towards the school. 

“I’m not scared!” Lance snapped defensively, even though he knew he was lying straight through his teeth. “I just don’t like being in trouble.”

“Why? It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does! If I get in trouble then my mama will be upset with me.”

“Oh.” The boy was looking at the ground. 

Lance was confused. How could someone just not care about getting in trouble? Didn’t he want to make his mom and teachers happy and proud of him like Lance did? 

Lance sighed and shook his head. “You’re pretty weird ya know.” 

The boy didn’t reply. He just shrugged. 

“What’s your name?”

“I’m in your class.” 

Aha! He talked! 

“So? There’re lots’a people in our class,” Lance argued.

The boy frowned further. “But I know _your_ name.”

“Oh yeah?” Lance challenged.

“Yeah. It’s Lance.” 

Well, Lance felt like a right fool. “Oh.”

“I know because you always answer questions in class.” 

“Oh.” He’s right. Lance _does_ do that. But he always thought that was a good thing, why did this boy make it sound like a bad thing? 

“Well you _never_ answer questions, that’s why I don’t know your name.” 

The boy shrugs. “I don’t like talking.”

“See what I mean?” Lance pointed in the boy’s face. _“Weird.”_

“I’m not weird,” the boy huffed.

“Then tell me your name,” Lance challenged again.

“No.”

“No?” Lance was absolutely flabbergasted. How dare this boy not tell him his name! “Why?” 

“Because I don’t like you.”

Lance’s jaw dropped- just- dropped to the floor. 

“Wha- but... but I-“

Never in his life has anyone told him they _didn’t_ like him before. Lance was a likeable person, he’d like to think. He had lots of friends, his teachers adored him, and his parents loved him more than anything. How could anyone _not_ like him?! 

Well, maybe his siblings didn’t like him all the time. They always fought a lot and sometimes called Lance annoying, but those were his siblings, they didn’t count.

They were almost back at the school, the other kids already getting lined up as the teachers frantically tried to count heads. And Lance decided, right then and there, that this boy was going to like him. 

He would like Lance and they were going to be friends.

-

-

Later, in class, the boy was staring out the window absentmindedly when the teacher called on him.

“Keith, please pay attention, this is important,” she said. 

He reluctantly turned his eyes onto the teacher.

“Thank you, Keith.”

_Keith._

_His name is Keith._

Lance grinned from ear to ear, very satisfied with himself.

-

-

The next recess, Lance found Keith sitting on top of the big hill, pulling out the grass and making a pile of it on his lap.

Lance marched up to him and greeted him with a wide grin and a, “hi Keith!”

Keith scowled up at him. “Oh. You again.”

Lance wasn’t deterred by his foul mood, however, and sat down right next to him. “What’re you doin’?” 

Keith looked down and didn’t answer. 

Lance took his silence well and instead of pushing him, he placed his hands behind him and leaned back, enjoying the warm breeze and the sun and the view of the school yard from way up there. He could make out all his friends playing soccer down below, watched as James yelled for Nadia to pass him the ball. He smiled when Nadia refused, and instead carried the ball up the field and towards the net.

The goalie, Nathan, was one of the biggest kids in their class and easily took up the whole space of the net, but Nadia wasn’t discouraged. She ran and ran and ran faster, overpowering the players on the opposite team. She stopped just short of the net and kicked the ball with all her might-

Nathan blocked it with his forearm. 

Lance sighed, upset that she hadn’t scored.

But then the ball was bouncing back towards her and she jumped up, butting it with her head.

Not expecting to have to block another shot so soon, Nathan watched wide eyed as the ball whizzed over his head, and into the net.

Nadia’s team erupted in cheers and she ran around the field with her fist pumping high in victory. Lance laughed at the scene.

“Why don’t you go play if you like it so much?” Lance heard Keith snap at him suddenly.

He turned to face Keith, surprised to see the boy was actually looking straight at him. Lance shrugged. “I dunno. It got boring.”

Keith continued to watch as Lance gazed back towards the soccer field. “I’m sick of playing it all day everyday,” Lance continued. “And James always gets so bossy. It’s annoying.” 

“Yeah, James is pretty annoying,” Keith agreed.

Lance grinned, feeling victorious as he finally got something out of Keith that wasn’t snarky or mean.

“Why don’t you play soccer?” Lance asked in return. 

Keith scrunched up his face. “Cause it’s stupid.” 

Lance frowned. “It’s not that stupid.”

“It is.”

“No, it’s actually kinda fun sometimes.”

“Then why don’t you go play!” Keith snapped again. 

This time, Lance flinched a little. He wasn’t expecting Keith to yell at him like that. Keith wouldn’t look at him now, and instead went back to ripping out the grass on the hill. 

Lance could have gotten mad, could have yelled back, could have stormed off the hill to go join the game of soccer below, but instead...

“No,” he said calmly.

“No?” Keith questioned, a little curious. 

Lance shook his head. “I want to play with you.” 

Keith stared at him, his mouth dropping open a little bit. He looked shocked, like he’d never expected Lance to say such a thing.

Like no one had ever said they wanted to play with him before. 

And then, he was looking away again, but something felt different. He felt nicer, softer. 

“Ok...” Keith muttered. 

Lance grinned. That was better than nothing. 

-

-

-

Lance didn’t play soccer at recess for the next week straight.

Instead, he’d spend his recesses with Keith, up on the top of the hill. 

Now, Keith has kept up the act of not liking Lance for a fair amount of time, but after awhile he must have gotten sick of it because now he just lets Lance sit with him.

Lance talks. A lot. So Keith stayed mostly quiet and just listened to the boy ramble on and on.

And sometimes, Lance got him to laugh.

Those were Lance’s proudest moments, he thought, because Keith had a very nice laugh. 

Right then, on the hill, Lance was telling him what he dreamed about the night before.

“That’s dumb,” Keith interrupted, frowning as he poked the dirt with a stick. “Doughnuts can’t talk. And they definitely can’t be evil.”

“Yes they can! Jelly doughnuts are the most evil doughnuts of them all!” Lance argued 

Keith scrunched up his face. “That makes no sense.”

“You make no sense!”

Keith stuck his tongue out at Lance.

“Besides,” Lance continued, unfazed. “It was just a dream. And in my dream, jelly doughnuts were evil and trying to take over the world.”

“If any doughnuts are evil, it’s the cream-filled ones.” 

Lance gasped loudly. “What! But those are the best ones.” 

Keith shook his head. “No. Chocolate is the best.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Lance agreed, nodding solemnly. 

-

-

-

Lance learned Halloween is Keith’s favourite holiday. 

By the time October rolled around, Lance was very proud to say that he and Keith were friends. Keith still wouldn’t admit it, but Lance knew it was true because he was the only person Keith talked to.

“Yeah, but I didn’t talk to anyone else before either,” Keith argued when Lance brought this up. 

“Yeah but you also had no friends before,” Lance countered.

Keith didn’t respond to that, just shrugged.

Lance decided to change the subject. “What are you being for Halloween?”

And just like that, Keith was a whole new person. His eyes lit up and his lips stretched out in a wild grin. It was almost enough to give Lance whiplash.

“I’m gonna be a firefighter!” Keith exclaimed excitedly. “Like my dad!”

Lance’s eyes went wide as saucers. “You’re dad’s a _firefighter?”_

“Mhm!” Keith nodded enthusiastically. “He saves people.” 

“That’s so cool!” Lance nearly shouted, causing the teacher on patrol to glance in their direction. They were sitting at the base of a different tree today, one much closer to the school and play equipment than the one on the hill. 

“I love Halloween,” Keith kept going, practically bouncing up and down. “I get to dress up and be whatever I want and my dad always takes us trick or treating.” 

Lance grinned. “Me too! My brothers and sisters always take me to the best houses with all the best candy!” 

Keith gasped, unmatched excitement in his eyes. “Wanna go trick or treating together?!” 

Lance nearly combusted with excitement. “Yes! That’s the best idea you’ve ever had!” 

Keith laughed as Lance tackled him to the dirt underneath the roots of the tree.

“No fighting!” called a teacher. 

-

-

October 31st, 2008 was the best day of Lance’s _life._

It started out with his mama making chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast (as if all the candy he’d get at school wasn’t enough already) so he knew it was going to be a good day. Then, she packed up his lunch and threw in a bag of lollipops to hand out to his whole class alongside it. And then, Lance got to get dressed in his costume.

It was thrilling, going to school in a costume instead of his regular, boring clothes. He was bouncing with excitement, making it increasingly difficult for his mama to zip up the back of his Spider-Man costume.

That’s right, Lance was Spider-Man! Only the coolest superhero of them all! 

He ran around the house, making zapping noises and pretending to shoot webs from his wrists, screaming in delight as his dad picked him up and tossed him over his shoulder. 

“Hahaha!” his papa laughed evilly. “I have caught the neighbourhood-friendly Spider-Man! Now no one can stop my evil plans!” 

“No!” Lance yelled thrashing about, pounding on his father’s back with his tiny fists. “I’ll stop you!” 

“No, _I’ll_ stop you,” Lance’s mom interjected, taking Lance back from her husband and placing him safely on the ground. “He has to go to school.”

And for once, Lance was ecstatic about that. 

“School!” he yelled as he grabbed his coat and pulled it on, shoving his feet into his sneakers. “Come on mama! I can’t be late, Keith’s waiting for me!” 

His mom grabbed his backpack from the kitchen counter and handed it to him. “Right, Keith. You’re new best friend who I have yet to meet.” 

“You’ll meet him today when I go trick or treating with him! Now come on!” 

His mom shook her head with amusement. “Christine, Veronica!” she called up the stairs. “Time for school!” 

Lance’s older sisters Veronica and Christine went to the same school as him. Veronica was in grade eight. She was smart and funny and everything Lance ever wanted to be. Chrissy was only a year older than Lance, in grade four, and she was a rotten nuisance most of the time. 

Lance had two older brothers too, Marco and Luis. But they were both in high school already, Luis in grade nine and Marco in grade eleven. Luis liked to tease Lance and call him a baby, but Marco always stood up for him and taught him cool things like how to throw playing cards. 

Marco also had a girlfriend, Judy, and she was so nice and pretty that sometimes (only sometimes) Lance wanted her to be _his_ girlfriend. 

“Girls!” his mama called again while fishing through her purse for her car keys. “¡Vamonos! Hurry up!” 

Veronica came down the stairs, dressed in a tight, short plaid skirt with a white collared shirt tucked in, a pair of movie theatre glasses with the lenses popped out perched on her nose. 

“What are you wearing?” Lance’s mama asked, in near shock. 

“My costume?” Veronica drawled. “Ashley, Rebecca and I are going as nerds.” 

“Haha!” Lance laughed. “You’re already a nerd, you don’t even need a costume!” 

“Very funny Lance,” Veronica snapped, stepping into her boots. 

“Are you sure that’s appropriate for school?” their mama asked, eyeing the shirt hem of the skirt.

“Mami,” Veronica groaned. “It’s fine. I’m wearing leggings underneath.” 

Andreia sighed, shaking her head in disapproval of her daughter. She was about to protest more, when her youngest daughter suddenly came barreling down the stairs. 

“Mamá! I can’t find my ears!!!” 

Andreia sighed even louder. “They’re on the kitchen table, Christine.”

The girl dressed in a black leotard and tutu rushed to the kitchen, all while Lance was yelling, “HURRY UP CHRISSY!!” 

She came darting back, securing the cat ears on her head. Andreia ushered the two children who were ready out the door and to the car while Chrissy tugged on her boots and jacket. 

Eventually, they were all buckled in and heading out the driveway. 

Lance was vibrating with excitement. He couldn’t wait to show all his friends his costume and hand out the candy and play games and-

“Alright, have a good day at school, mijos.”

_They were there!_

Lance leapt out of the car and ran off to find Keith, yelling bye as he slammed the car door. 

Andreia sighed, one last time, before heading off to work. 

This would be a long day.

-

Keith and Lance played heroes all first recess. 

Keith ran around, pretending to put out fires the ‘bad guy’ had started while Lance fought the ‘bad guy’ and put him in jail. 

It was much more fun than the usual soccer game going on behind them.

-

In class, they weren’t taught lessons on math and French. No, they played video games! And board games! And card games! And ate candy! 

Keith played with Lance and his other friends, but he stayed quiet mostly, and hung around Lance’s side the entire time. Lance didn’t mind though. In fact, he had never been this happy in his life. 

-

When school was over, Lance went to Keith’s house, as was planned out by their parents once Lance and Keith had begged to spend Halloween night together. 

Keith’s house was pretty close to Lance’s, and a walkable distance from the school, so he joined Keith and Keith’s older brother on the walk home. 

Keith’s older brother was named Takashi, but Keith called him Shiro for some reason. Lance didn’t question it though. Shiro was in high school, like Luis and Marco, and he was tall and had arm muscles that made Lance ogle him in awe. He seemed so big and old and, if Lance was being honest, a little scary. But all that changed when he started talking because he was actually really really nice. 

“So Lance,” he said as they walked the path to Keith’s house. “You’re Spider-Man, huh? That’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah! He’s the coolest superhero. He can shoot webs and climb up walls and he’s really funny-“

“No!” Keith interrupted. “The coolest superhero is Batman!” 

Lance squawked. “Batman? No way!”

“Yes way! He’s so much cooler. He has the Bat-mobile, duh!” 

“Batman doesn’t even have any super powers! He’s just a rich guy with a butler!” 

“He fights crime and he does it while looking cool,” Keith argued. “He’s the best.” 

Shiro laughed at them as they continued to bicker. 

-

Keith and Lance went all around the neighbourhood that night, collecting so much candy they could hardly hold up their bags.

Keith’s dad was really cool, Lance learned. He really was a firefighter and he was big and strong like Shiro, but older and bigger and _stronger._

Keith’s mom was really nice too. She had long, pretty black hair like Keith did and her eyes were like Keith’s too. She made Lance and Keith peanut butter sandwiches as a snack after school, and let them play heroes again in the backyard. 

Lance saw Keith’s room. His walls were painted red and he had blue covers on his bed. The room was smaller than Lance’s, but Lance thought it was perfect. Keith had a giant hippo stuffed animal named William, and he and Keith laughed and laughed as they threw him around the room. 

What the two of them didn’t know, as they were busy playing, was that Kaori and Harrison were talking quietly to each other in the kitchen, overjoyed that their youngest son had finally brought home a friend. 

-

Andreia came to pick Lance up at eight, but they didn’t leave until nine thirty, because once Lance’s mama got to talking, there was nothing that could stop her from carrying on for forever. 

Eventually, Lance’s whining won her over though, and she drove him home in the dark of the night. 

“Did you have fun, Lance?” Andreia asked as her baby was nodding off in the backseat. 

“Yeah...” Lance replied sleepily, a smile tugging at his lips. “Keith is funny.” 

“He sure is,” she replied. “A little shy though. Nothing like you, mijo.” 

“Nah,” Lance yawned. “He’s only shy at first. Then he’s just really weird and silly.” 

“Ah. Just as weird and silly as you?” Andreia teased.

“Mama!” Lance giggled. 

They got home, and Lance fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

-

-

-

As the year went on, Keith and Lance only got closer. 

They visited each other’s houses, played at recess, sat together on the floor when it was silent reading time, and ate lunch together. It was great. 

They shared their favourite snacks, sang their favourite songs, recounted their dreams and funny things their family’s did over the weekend. They played heroes some more, and then they played pirates, and bakers, and police officers and even knights in shinning armour. Lance would always want to be the knight trying to save Keith, but Keith said it was him who would save Lance. They ended up agreeing to take turns. 

The funniest, though, was Bob and Bill.

Lance was Bob, and Keith was Bill, and they were sailors out at sea, and they would sing this song:

_Bob and Bill went to sea sea sea, to see what they could see see see, but all that they could see see see, was the bottom of the deep blue sea sea sea!_

And they had no idea where that song came from but they sang it anyways. 

-

-

-

-

This was the start of their friendship. They met in grade three, even though they’d been in the same class since kindergarten. They met on that hill, that one sunny afternoon, and just like that, they were each other’s best friend. Lance would never have to play soccer again, and Keith would never have to sit alone on that hill at recess anymore. Now, they had each other.

And they would have each other for years to come.

Even if they sometimes lost sight of that fact. 

In grade three, they’d promised to be best friends forever, no matter what. 

But life is messy, and things often don’t go as planned, and Lance hardly knew about anything at eight years old in grade three. 

He didn’t know that bad things would happen, and that Keith wouldn’t always be there. 

He didn’t know he’d end up losing his best friend one day.


	2. Grades four, five, and six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith and Lance are best friends.
> 
> They stand by each other through anything and everything.
> 
> But kids are mean and life is messy.
> 
> In other words, Lance and Keith are best friends, but some things don’t last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!
> 
> I’m posting these as I write them, and I’m writing them really fast and late at night so my apologies if there are typos! 
> 
> Also, some warnings for this chapter that aren’t too serious but are still there:   
> -Bullying and manipulative behaviour   
> -Homophobia 
> 
> Ok, I hope you enjoy! If you have comments or suggestions or feelings, leave them down below!

In grade four, the classes were split up. 

Most of Lance’s fourth grade class went to join a fifth grade class, while the remaining seven stayed in the same class with the next year’s grade threes. 

And those seven students?

Nadia, Romelle, Nyma, James, Lance, Keith and...

_Allura._

Allura Altea was a new girl to their school, coming all the way from _London, England!_ She spoke with a posh accent that Lance found so beautiful he could cry.

Not like she wasn’t already beautiful enough. 

Lance saw her for the first time about a week into the new school year. He had been playing with his friends on the climber, they were playing lava monster and trying not to get caught by the teacher as any games on the climber were strictly off limits. He was laughing, hiding out at the very top, near the opening of the slide, trying desperately not to let the ‘lava monster’ (Ryan had the ill-fate of being it) catch him. 

It was a gloomy, overcast day, and the wind whipped at his face, making his cheeks all rosy as he grinned. He looked around, but Ryan was on the other side of the climber, so he was safe. He let himself relax and looked out at the sand below him. 

Then, he noticed someone, someone he’d never seen before. He looked up a little, and there she was.

She was running around, playing with some other kids, but she stopped once she caught Lance’s eye. She paused, gazing up at him. Lance saw her dark brown hair blowing beautifully in the wind. He saw her cute pink dress and white shawl, her sketchers light up sneakers and many friendship bracelets. He saw her pretty brown eyes blinking up at him, and her even prettier smile stretched across her face. She was so pretty. 

The prettiest girl he’d ever seen. 

She waved at him and continued with her game, running away squealing as someone chased her. But Lance couldn’t continue with his game, he couldn’t do anything but stare at the space where she stood. Had he dreamed that?

“Lance!”

Lance snapped out of his daze and whirled around.

“I caught you Lance, you’re it now!” 

-

Allura was introduced to their class a few minutes later, after the bell had run and class had started. 

She moved here from England because her father’s business blew up in Canada and they needed to be situated closer so he could manage it. She spoke like she was years older than Lance, and she smiled at just about everybody. 

She took her seat amongst the other grade fours, _right in front of Lance._

Needless to say, Lance could hardly pay attention in class that morning.

-

At recess, Keith and Lance sat on the hill. 

“So,” Lance started. “What do you think about Allura?”

Keith made a funny face. “The new girl?”

“Yeah, _the new girl._ Isn’t she pretty?” 

Keith shrugged, tearing at a fallen leaf. “I guess.”

“I think she’s the prettiest girl _ever.”_

Keith snorted. “Maybe you should tell her that.” 

Lance shrieked. “Are you _joking?!_ I would die!”

“You’re so weird,” Keith snickered at his best friend, laughing when Lance shoved him and he toppled over. “Hey!”

Keith launched himself at Lance and they both started wrestling on the hill, laughing as they tried to overpower the other. Lance sent a palm into Keith’s face, Keith kneed Lance in the stomach. And then, Lance slipped and they both went toppling down the side of the hill, rolling and laughing and wheezing until they came to a stop, clutching their stomachs. 

“Keith!” Lance gasped through bouts of laughter. “Keith! We rolled down the hill!”

“I know I kn- ppffffftt hahahaha!” Keith couldn’t stop, he rolled onto his stomach and laughed until his sides hurt. 

-

-

-

Fourth grade continued as fourth grade does, but Lance’s mind stayed stuck on Allura. He thought about her all the time. He talked about her so much that his family caught on and started teasing him for his crush on her.

“Hey Lance, how’s Alluuuuura doing?” Luis would snicker.

“Alluuuuura is sooo perfect, right Lance?” Veronica would tease. 

“Oh! Alluuuuura! She’s so pretty! And smart! And nice! Right, Lance?” Even Chrissy would join in. 

They teased him and teased him and teased him and it drove Lance insane.

“Stop it! I don’t like her!” he would say.

“Course you don’t, buddy!” Marco would agree, ruffling his hair. It didn’t feel reassuring though, it felt condescending.

“I don’t! Leave me alone!” Lance would yell, stomping out of the room and away from his siblings raucous laughter. 

And he knew he liked her, ok? But who wouldn’t! She _was_ pretty and smart and nice. And funny and sweet and she always smelt really really good. 

But that wasn’t _Lance’s_ fault. It’s not like he asked for Allura to come waltzing into his life, dragging him along by the finger as she went. But that seemed to be what had happened.

Days, weeks, months passed, and his obsession grew. Every time she spoke, Lance was listening. Every time she smiled at him, he could feel himself stall as his mind drew a blank. It was practically torture. 

But there were still times when Lance wasn’t thinking of Allura, of course. Apart from staring at her all day in class and dreaming about holding her hand when he lay in bed at night. 

For instance, when he was too busy playing games with his friends at recess. Or when he went over to Keith’s house and played with his dog, Kosmo. Or when he was at his grandma’s. 

Lance’s grandparents (on his mother’s side) lived in Toronto, not too far away from the town Lance lived in. They would visit often, the whole family packing up the minivan for a weekend spent at Abuela’s, or else Abuela and Abuelo would make the drive up to spend some time with their grandchildren. 

Lance _loved_ his grandparents. Loved them with this entire being. He loved his whole family, of course, but for some reason, Abuela took over a very special place in his heart. 

Maybe it was the fact that she made the best food on the planet. Or maybe it was because she had the brightest smile and the warmest hugs. It could also be that she and Lance shared a birthday, and the family would always celebrate the two together.

But most probably it was that whenever she visited Lance, the two of them would be inseparable the whole time. Lance would even sleep in the same bed as her, Abuela called him her “little sleeping buddy”. It made Lance feel special, wanted, loved, and safe like nothing else ever had. 

Abuela read him storybooks at night by the light of the lamp on the bedside table. She would also tell him stories of her life as a little girl, of moving from Cuba to Canada. And when it was time for bed, she would put on a tape that played calming beach noises because she knew how hard it was for Lance to fall asleep at night. 

Lance had always been that way. It was very hard for him to fall asleep most nights. He was scared of the dark, of having nightmares, of monsters in the closet, but most of all he was scared he would never fall asleep, which made sleeping even harder to do. So, Abuela would play the tape for him and it always seemed to work. That, or it was Abuela’s rough but warm hand holding his own under the covers that made him feel so calm and so safe that he drifted off within minutes. 

So yes, Abuela was Lance’s favourite person in the world, and it was pretty hard to think about his crush when he was making cookies with her.

-

Grade four was a blast.

The seven of them, stuck with all the grade threes, decided to stick together and named themselves “the grade four council”. That way they could join together and not be overrun by all the annoying ‘little’ kids in the classroom. 

Lance loved it. It made him feel like he was apart of something. He, James, and Keith quickly became close friends. They would play at recess, have sleepovers at Lance’s house, play video games at James’ mom’s house and swim in the pool and James’ dad’s house. It was a blast.

The whole seven of them were friends, and it felt so great to be apart of something.

It felt great, that was, until Lance was left out of the group.

“Ok, so here are the teams,” James said at the start of one snowy recess when they had decided to have a snowball fight. “Me, Keith, and Allura versus Romelle, Nyma, and Nadia.”

“Alright! We’re gonna crush them!” Nadia yelled, pumping her fist in the air.

“Yeah we are!” Nyma high-fived Nadia. 

“Uh,” Lance spoke up, still a little confused because- “what about me?”

“Oh.” James looked at him as if just realizing he was there. “Right. I forgot about you.” 

_Forgot about me?_ Lance could feel his heart start to beat faster. _How?_

“Sorry Lance, but if you play the teams won’t be even,” James said, shrugging. “You have to sit this one out.” 

Lance felt small. Very very small. “But-“

“Sorry, that’s the only way it’s fair.” 

Lance could feel his throat close up. Why was James leaving him out? He thought they were friends. Lance looked around the group for someone to help him. Surely someone would speak up, this wasn’t right! 

Hopefully, stupidly, his eyes turned to Allura, wishing she’d step forward and say something. 

But Allura just stared at him with sad frown. “Sorry, Lance,” she said, and the way she said his name wasn’t as pretty as it usually was. “James is right. It’s only fair this way.”

“You can play the next round!” Nadia piped up, patting Lance on the arm.

Lance looked down at the ground, not knowing what else to do. He was trying so hard not to cry. Why did he feel so bad? Was he just overreacting? He was just being a baby, they would let him play the next round. 

The group scampered off to their respective teams, but Lance could still sense someone by his side. He looked up to see Keith standing there, looking between him and the other two members of his team. Keith looked confused, unsure, and a little upset.

Hope flared inside Lance’s chest like a wild fire.

_Of course!_ Lance brightened. _Keith! Keith will stand up for me!_

Keith opened his mouth and Lance smiled at him. But then-

“Keith!” James snapped, and Keith jolted a little bit. “Come on! We don’t have all day!”

“But-“

“If you don’t hurry up, Lance won’t get a turn at all!” 

Keith looked away, and Lance’s heart sank to the ground.

“Coming,” Keith muttered as he ran to join James and Allura. 

Something sharp was poking at Lance’s chest. His throat felt dry and sore, and he felt himself flush hot in humiliation. He was left out. He was cast aside. He was the last to be picked, the odd one out, the seventh wheel. 

Lance tried very very hard not to cry as his friends had fun throwing snowballs at each other. 

-

That wasn’t the only time something like that happened between James and Lance.

During gym one day, they were playing dodgeball and Lance accidentally hit James in the face. He hadn’t meant to, and he felt bad and apologized, but he also knew he didn’t throw the ball that hard, it shouldn’t have hurt. 

But that’s not the story James told. 

He cried, clutching his face, and screamed to the teacher, “Lance hit me! He hit me on purpose! He hit my face!” 

Lance tried to explain, tried to tell the teacher it wasn’t true, it was an accident, but the teacher was glaring at him and he froze up. Mr. Miller shook his head in disappointment and sent Lance to sit out for the rest of gym.

It was horrifying.

Lance hated getting in trouble, so he never did. He always did the right thing, but that didn’t even matter anymore. Now, he had to sit on the bench while all the other kids played, feeling embarrassed and ashamed and so so so small. 

That was a bad day. 

-

One day, James yelled at him all recess. 

“You’re so stupid!” James cried, upset with Lance for something but Lance wasn’t even sure what. “You think you’re so smart cause you always answer questions but you get them wrong half the time! You’re just a dummy wanna-be.”

Lance stared at the ground. Why was this happening? Why was James so mad at him? What did he do? He thought they were friends. Friends weren’t supposed to yell at each other. Keith and him never did this.

But Keith wasn’t there. Keith was sick and at home that day. 

And James took advantage of that. 

“I hate you!” James yelled, and Lance flinched. “You’re ruining my life!”

“What?” Lance asked, because he was truly, truly confused. “How?”

“You’re stupid if you don’t know how!” James growled. “You get everything and I have nothing!” 

“What do you mean?” Lance was so so confused. How did _he_ get everything? If anyone got everything it was James. He had two houses! And they were both huge! He would always brag about how many presents he got for Christmas and all his new toys and video games. Lance didn’t mind it, but it just made this so much more confusing. 

“You don’t even know how lucky you are, do you?” James seethed, stepping up to Lance. 

Lance flinched. He was scared. Scared James would say something mean again, scared he would hit Lance, scared he would not want to be his friend anymore and isolate him even further. 

Lance swallowed and looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice wavering as he tried not to cry. “Please stop.”

“You’re pathetic.”

Lance flinched.

And James walked away. 

-

Later that week, James ‘apologized’ and asked to be friends again. 

He did it in front of all Lance’s friends. 

Lance had no choice but to say yes. 

-

Despite the weird fights with James and the being excluded and slowly isolated, grade four was pretty fun. 

Lance enjoyed their teacher’s antics. Mr. Miller brought in puppets and played the guitar for them. Lance was also very good at the math competitions they held at the start of every week. He was the best at subtraction and division in the class. He usually got perfect on all his spelling tests, and French came very easy to him since he spoke Spanish regularly at home. 

This didn’t help him very much when it came to James’ periodic torment, though. James would use it as grounds to mock him. 

“Lance is just a lame nerd.” 

“Lance is such a teacher’s pet.”

“Lance tries too hard to be smart.”

“Lance thinks he’s better than us ‘cause he got perfect on that test.” 

Somehow, someway, James had the ability to turn the rest of the grade fours against Lance.

And it hurt. So. Much. 

But Keith was always by his side. Keith never took James side, never left Lance all alone, never let James’ words hurt him too much. Keith would always be there, after every fight, to tell Lance that it was ok, that James would get over it soon and they would be friends again. And Lance appreciated that.

But Keith never stood up for him. Not directly. He would comfort Lance after the fights, but never said a word during them. He would play with Lance after the game, but would play it first while Lance had to sit out _again._ But Lance understood why. Keith didn’t want James to get mad at him too. Lance didn’t want that either, so he wasn’t ever mad at Keith for not standing up for him.

Besides, Lance should stand up for himself. He wasn’t a baby, after all.

At home, at night, sometimes Lance would dream of standing up against James, of yelling back at him, of telling him how he truly felt. He would imagine it, play out the exact words in his head, but every time he tried to in real life, no words came to his lips. 

He would just freeze up. Every time. And James would make him cry. Every. Time.

-

Lance knew what bullying was. They had an assembly about it every year. He knew how to recognize it and how to stop it. 

But this wasn’t bullying, right? 

James was his friend. James wasn’t a bully. Lance was probably just being too sensitive. Right? 

-

One day, in March, Mr. Miller changed the seating around and Lance was placed next to Allura.

_Allura._

It was a dream come true.

He got to talk to her more often. Staring at her was definitely easier this way, too. And he got to help her with her math problems when she needed it. It was fantastic.

He would talk all about it at home, recounting his day to his family. 

“Today, Allura let me borrow her sparkly pens! I drew smiley faces all over her paper and she laughed!” 

“At lunch, Allura gave me her rice crispy because I gave her my m&m’s. They’re her favourite chocolate.” 

“Allura read out loud for the class today. Her voice sounds like a Royal Princess.” 

His family teased him endlessly for it, but Lance didn’t care. He was happy and excited to go to school again. He didn’t wake up feeling sick to his stomach anymore. He could smile and answer questions in class again. 

Things were better.

-

It happened in April.

At lunch, Lance was eating his jelly sandwich when Keith and James came back from the bathroom, whispering furiously to each other. Keith looked nervously at Lance and then ducked his head away when he realized Lance was already watching them.

“What is it?” Lance asked as Keith and James retook their seats beside Lance. 

Keith stared at his lunch, shrugging. “Nothing.”

James elbowed him in the side, then leaned in to whisper something in his ear. Keith laughed.

Lance scowled. Feeling sick and tired of being left out all the time, he spoke up. “Tell me what it is!” 

Keith looked at him and shook his head. “It’s nothing Lance, really.”

“Come on,” James drawled, rolling his eyes. “He’s gonna find out sooner or later.”

“Find out what?” Lance asked, feeling a little excited. Was there some sort of surprise or something? Was Mr. Miller going to bring in candy that afternoon for them? 

But Keith was frowning at James, side-eyeing Lance with a worried look, and it made Lance’s stomach feel sick. 

“I don’t know...” Keith whispered.

“Someone wrote stuff about you on the bathroom walls!” 

James was grinning ear to ear as he said it. Lance frowned, confused. 

“What? Like what?”

Keith shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, Lance. I told Mr. Miller already and he’s gonna get the janitor to clean it up.” 

Lance’s frowned deepened. “What did it say?”

Keith didn’t answer. James was practically bouncing in his seat. Lance got angry.

“Come on guys, tell me!” 

Neither would answer.

Feeling annoyed and betrayed, Lance stood up suddenly from his seat and darted out of the classroom, without so much as even asking for permission. He walked to the bathrooms, ignoring the urge to run, and shoved open the door.

The janitor obviously hadn’t cleaned anything up yet, because Lance saw it right away. 

It was hard to ignore. Written in black sharpie, with big, block letters, and it covered nearly every door to every stall.

_Lance McClain is a loser_

_Lance McClain is a crybaby_

_Lance McClain is stupid_

_Lance McClain is ugly_

_Lance McClain is a scrawny nobody_

_Lance McClain should shut up_

_Lance McClain is annoying_

_Lance McClain is nothing but a teacher’s pet_

_Lance McClain sucks_

_I hate Lance McClain_

_Lance McClain has no friends_

_Lance McClain is a weirdo_

_Lance McClain is dumb_

_Lance McClain_

_Lance McClain_

_Lance McClain_

_Dumb- stupid- annoying- mean- ugly- rude- spoiled- brat- loser- lame- nerd- weird- nobody likes-_

_NOBODY LIKES LANCE MCCLAIN._

-

The school made a big deal about it. Lance just wanted to pretend it never happened. Especially after it was cleaned up and nothing was there to remind him anymore. 

The principal sat down with him one recess, so he couldn’t go play with his friends.

She asked things like:

“Do you know who did this? Are you ok? Do you want to talk about it? Was it someone in your class? A girl? A boy? I heard you sit beside a very pretty girl, could it be that one of the boys in your class is jealous of you?” 

Lance shrugged and replied “I dunno” to nearly all of them. 

But it was a lie.

He knew. He more than knew. 

There was only one person who said all those things about him on the regular. The same person who just so happened to see it first and go straight to tell Lance, with a wide grin on his face. One person who was set on making Lance’s life miserable.

But he had no proof. And he knew if he said anything that James would just make his life even harder, so he stayed quiet. 

“Can I go outside, now?” 

-

Other things like that happened in grade four. 

His favourite sweater went missing, even though he knew he left it by the wall outside. A week later, James wore it to school claiming his mom had just bought it for him. That it was his.

_Liar,_ Lance thought. 

Lance’s pens and pencils kept going missing, right before tests, and James had somehow ended up with Lance’s keychain of a polar bear, once again claiming that it was his and not Lance’s. 

He was left out of recess games.

He was whispered about behind his back, mostly about the writings on the bathroom wall. 

He was isolated.

He was alone. 

-

Grade four ended, and summer ensued. 

Lance spent a lot of it in Toronto with his Abuela. They made cookies. They went shopping. They played at the park with his siblings. They went to the Science Centre and the ROM and Canada’s Wonderland and Coney Island. His Abuela and his mama even took him and Chrissy to see the ballet “Swan Lake”.

Best of all, they celebrated Lance’s birthday with _two_ cakes because it was also _Abuela’s_ birthday. “Birthday twin” as she called him, as well as “the best present I could have asked for”. They had a barbecue at the park and played all of Lance’s favourite games, and Lance got to do it all with Abuela by his side. 

Lance had so much fun that he forgot all about grade four and the writing on the bathroom walls.

Every night Lance could sleep peacefully knowing that his Abuela was right there, holding his hand, keeping him safe. And when it was time to go back home in August, Lance wept, clinging to his Abuela, not wanting to leave. 

“Lance, sweetie, you’ll see Abuela again in a couple months,” his mother said.

Lance shook his head and cried harder. They didn’t get it. They didn’t get it! Lance was happy here! He wanted to stay, he wanted to stay with his Abuela. 

“I can come with back with you, stay for just a little while,” Maria suggested to her daughter, Andreia, while stroking Lance’s hair away from his wet face.

Andreia shook her head. “No, mami, he spent all summer with you, he needs to learn to let go.”

Lance held on tighter. 

“I don’t wanna go, I don’t wanna go, mamá. Me gusta aquí, no me quiero ir.” 

Lance sobbed. 

Maria bent down and took her grandson’s face in her hands, wiping his tears away with her thumbs. “Lance, mijo,” she whispered as he whimpered. “Me verás pronto. Don’t cry, don’t cry, shhhh. You’ll see me again, I’m not going anywhere.” 

Abuela went in for a last hug, kissing Lance repeatedly on his hair. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Lance whispered into her chest. 

Lance knew he had to go, knew he would see her again soon, but it didn’t stop the tears from silently rolling down his face as their car pulled away, Abuela and Abuelo waving from the porch as they left. 

-

-

-

Grade five would be better than grade four, Lance decided. 

The class wasn’t split up this year, it was his whole grade five class, back together again.

Which also meant soccer matches at every recess.

But that was ok, because that meant Lance and Keith got to play together all alone again. 

Lance wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“Oh no! Watch out! The fire nation is attacking!!!” 

Lance yelled as he and Keith ran around, pretending to dodge attacks from the ‘fire benders’. 

“Lance! Quick! Use your water bending to stop them!” Keith yelled, right as he pretended to blast air out of his hands. “Whooshhhhhhhhh!” 

“There’s too many! I can’t hold them all off!” Lance pushed his arms forward, mimicking all of the moves he saw the characters on Avatar the Last Airbender do. “Keith! Watch out!”

Keith pretended to get hit with a blast of fire, staggering backwards and falling down dramatically. “Aaarrrggggg!”

“No!” 

Lance pretended to create a huge wave that wiped out the whole army of fire nation soldiers. Then, he ran over to his friend who was lying down, pretending to be dead.

“Don’t worry, Keith,” Lance said, pretending to take off a necklace containing a vile of powerful spirit water (like when Katara had to save Aang in season two, duh). “I’ll save you.”

Lance pretended to use his ‘water bending’ to heal Keith, making “oouuuu” noises as he went. 

Keith’s eyes fluttered back open and he smiled up at Lance. “Oh! Lance, you saved me!”

“Course I did!” Lance replied, beaming. 

Keith giggled. “How can I ever repay you?”

Lance thought for a second before grinning wickedly. “You could give me a kiss!”

He leaned down further, getting all up in Keith’s face and making kissy noises. Keith shrieked with laughter and shoved him away. “Eww! Lance! Stop!” 

Lance fell back on his heels, laughing as Keith sat up. “What? You don’t wanna kiss the _avatar?”_

Keith scowled. “You’re not the avatar. We said no one would be the avatar cause that’s not fair.” 

“Yeah, but if anyone was the avatar, it would be me,” Lance argued. 

“Nuh huh!” Keith shot back. “You’re not the avatar. You’re more like Sokka.”

“Sokka?!?” Lance squawked indignantly. “No no no no no! If _I’m_ Sokka then _you’re_ Zuko!” 

“ZUKO?!?” Keith bellowed. “I’m not Zuko! He’s the bad guy!”

“He’s good in the end,” Lance pointed out. “Plus, you’re all grumpy like him. And you have black hair like him.” 

“Well you have blue eyes like Sokka does, plus you’re annoying like he is.” 

_Annoying._

_(Lance McClain is annoying)_

Lance shook his head. “If I’m anyone from Avatar, I’m Toph. She’s the coolest.” 

Keith scoffed. “Yeah sure, and I’m Ty Lee.”

Lance laughed and Keith punched his arm. 

-

-

True to Lance’s promise to himself, grade five _was_ better than grade four. Mrs. Greene was the nicest teacher Lance had ever had, and James seemed to leave him alone for the most part, too busy with his other friends and getting Allura to notice him.

Oh yeah, that was another thing, Lance was _so_ over Allura. 

When he announced it to his siblings though, they just laughed at him and replied “sure you are, buddy!” with a ruffle of his hair.

Oh well, screw them! He really _was_ over Allura now, because she looked like she had a crush on James, and Lance would rather die than admit that he had lost the girl he liked to James Griffin. 

So, he was over Allura. Definitely. 100%. 

-

-

Keith’s birthday was in March, and instead of just having Lance over to play, this year he was having an honest-to-god party. 

Lance was overcome with excitement.

Keith had invited most of the class, and they spent the afternoon playing with Kosmo in their big back yard, and running around the park playing with foam swords. They play grounders on the climber and had competitions to see how high they could jump off the swings. Nadia won. 

After cake and presents, most people went home, but a few of them, Keith’s closest friends, got to stay and sleepover. 

That meant Lance, of course, as well as a boy named Matt that Keith had recently met (he was a year above and in the English class) and James. 

Matt was probably the funniest person Lance had ever met. Once everyone else had gone home and it was just the four of them, they gathered in Keith’s room to tell scary stories.

But Matt just made them laugh. 

They took turns trying to scare each other. James turned off the lights and went outside the door. The three of them stayed quiet, trying not to laugh as they sat in the dark. Then, James started scratching on the door and Matt exclaimed, “aw! There’s a kitty at the door!” And all of them dissolved into giggles. 

At night, they tried to sleep, but Matt kept making farting noises which made them all start laughing again. Kaori had to come in at least ten times to tell them it was bedtime, but each time she left, they would start up again. Finally, she got her husband to go instead, and Harrison’s commanding voice shut the boys up for the rest of the night. 

Mostly. 

It was the most fun Lance had had in a long time. He laid there, completely awake as the other boys drifted off to sleep, just smiling at the ceiling. His chest felt light, and he felt himself trying not to laugh as he recalled all of Matt’s silly jokes. 

He turned his head to the right, to where Keith was sleeping next to him. Keith and Lance took up Keith’s bed while James and Matt slept in sleeping bags on the floor next to them. It made sense, Lance was Keith’s best friend and therefore the only one with the right to share his bed. Lance tried not to feel too special about it, but it was hard. It made him feel proud. Even if Allura liked James instead of him, he would always have Keith. Keith was _his_ best friend, not James’, and Keith would always pick him over James. 

He smiled at the sleeping boy next to him. He inched closer and they were almost touching. Lance wanted to hold his hand, but he refrained. Keith wasn’t his Abuela, he didn’t need to hold Keith’s hand to help him sleep. But he wanted to.

Instead, he turned on his side and curled up in a ball next to Keith. He inched closer, careful still not to touch him. And then, Lance tilted his head up.

“Goodnight, Keith,” he whispered, softly kissing his best friend on the cheek, before laying back down and closing his eyes. “I love you.” 

That’s right. Keith was _his._ His best friend. Not James’. Never James’. 

Lance drifted off with a smile on his face. 

When he woke up in the morning, there was a strange pressure on his chest. He opened his eyes and found his sight was blocked by a mop of messy black hair.

“Keith!” Lance yelled, startling the boy on top of him into conscientiousness. “Get off! You’re crushing me!” 

Lance shoved his best friend and Keith went toppling off of him, and also off the bed.

He landed on the floor with an “Oof!” 

Lance burst into laughter, Keith following close behind him. 

-

-

Grade five ended and Lance spent another summer with Abuela. 

This time, it was only him and Chrissy there, because Veronica had a summer job working at a summer camp, and Marco was getting ready to go off to University. Marco was going into engineering, Lance knew, because that’s what his papa did, and Marco wanted to be like their papa. Luis could have come, but he decided to stay home instead and play video games all summer. So, it was just Lance, Chrissy, and their mamá. 

Then, mamá had to leave because she had work to do at home, and it was just Lance and Chrissy with Abuela and Abuelo, and Lance had never felt so special in his life. 

Abuela took the two of them _everywhere._ To Sunnyside to play in the public pool. To the CN tower, where Lance had to hold her hand so he wouldn’t be too scared of just how high up they were. She took them to plays and musicals. She took them to the park almost every day, and Lance and Chrissy spent the days making new friends and playing grounders on the equipment. 

Lance and Chrissy shared their mother’s old room during their time there, but Lance still insisted on sleeping with Abuela in her big bed at night, effectively banning Abuelo to the tiny guest room with the small bed. 

Halfway through the summer, though, and Abuela explained to him that Abuelo needed to sleep next to her because he was scared of the dark. Little did Lance know that she was just trying to get him to be more independent, to learn he could indeed sleep in the creaky old house without his grandma holding his hand. To Lance, though, he took it very seriously. He knew how scary the dark was and he didn’t want Abuelo to be scared, so he nodded his head solemnly and moved into the other room with Chrissy. 

Lance was still scared at first. 

The shadows from passing cars danced across the walls, and Lance didn’t like how the open closet left such a dark void he couldn’t see into. What if there was someone there? Someone who was going to hurt or kill him? Lance pulled the blanket up to his chin and screwed his eyes shut. 

Chrissy’s breathing beside him was grounding, reminded him that if she was there, he was safe. He closed his eyes and tried to match her breathing, evening it out until he felt peaceful enough to truly relax and let sleep take him.

After the first night, after proving it to himself that he could do it, it was easier to fall asleep. And after a week, it became harder again, but not because he was scared.

It was because he and Chrissy spent the whole night quietly whispering and telling each other secrets.

“Lance,” she whispered, poking him in the cheek. “Are you asleep yet?” 

Lance opened his eyes and grinned. “What do you think?”

Chrissy giggled. “Tell me more about Allura!” 

Lance snickered, playing along with her request. “Well, she laughed when I blew bubbles in my chocolate milk one time.”

“What does her laugh sound like?” Chrissy asked. 

Lance grinned. “Like little bells ringing.”

Chrissy sighed dreamily. “She sounds so pretty.”

“She is.” Lance nodded.

Chrissy giggled, tugging on Lance’s sleeve. “Do you love her?”

Lance made a face. “No.”

“You loooooove her!”

“I do not!” 

“Shh! Shh!” Chrissy giggled as she tried to quiet him down, not wanted to wake up their grandparents and get in trouble for being up so late. 

Lance pouted, but then his lips twisted into a grin as he got an idea. “Are you in love with any boys?” 

It was Chrissy’s turn to make a face. “Ew, no. Boys are gross.”

“Boys aren’t gross!” Lance defended.

“Yes they are,” Chrissy argued. “They’re all smelly and mean and jerks. I don’t get why the girls in my class are like, obsessed with boys. All of them have a crush on Josh. I don’t get it, he’s not even cute!” 

Lance frowned. “Well, I still don’t think boys are gross. I’m not gross, and I’m a boy.”

Chrissy grinned evilly. “Yes you are! You pick your nose, that’s gross!”

“I do not pick my nose!” Lance squawked. 

“Do too!”

“Do not!”

“Well, fine, but you’re still gross.”

Lance scowled. “Well, I’m your brother so you’re supposed to think I’m gross. But not all boys are gross. Keith isn’t gross.” 

Chrissy rolled her eyes. “Keith is _so_ gross.”

“No he isn’t!” Lance snapped, mad Chrissy would even say such a thing. “He’s nice and smart and _way_ prettier than all the girls in my class.” 

Chrissy snorted. “Even Allura?” 

Lance opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Well, Chrissy got him there. Nobody was prettier than Allura. 

Thankfully, Chrissy let it go, sighing as she turned to look at the ceiling. “I just don’t like boys. Maybe they aren’t all gross, but I just like girls better.” 

Lance stared at the ceiling with her, contemplating. “That’s ok. I like girls better too. Some boys can be really mean.”

“Like who?” Chrissy asked innocently. 

“Like James.”

“James? Your friend James?” 

Lance sighed. “Yeah. He’s mean.” 

“How?” 

Lance frowned. He didn’t want to talk about this. “I’m tired. Let’s go to sleep.”

Chrissy shrugged and rolled onto her side. “Fine, but if you snore again I’m pushing you off the bed.”

-

At the end of the summer, Andreia came to pick up her two youngest children from their grandparents house. Lance tried really hard not to cry, but it happened anyway. At least this time he didn’t refuse to leave though. Instead, he hugged Abuela tightly and was comforted by the knowledge that she and Abuelo would be visiting them at their house in about a month. 

He still cried, though, and waved sadly at them as they drove away. 

-

-

Grade six was... interesting. 

Their teacher, Mrs. Glover, was a mean old hag who seemed to have it out for Lance, to begin with. 

It was so strange. Lance had always been the teacher’s favourite. He was smart, and he obeyed the rules, and he never talked back. But Mrs. Glover was different. She didn’t care if Lance sat quietly during silent reading, or if he spoke perfect French, or if he did well in math. He would raise his hand in class and she would never pick him! He submitted his writing journal at the end of every week, and every Monday he would get it back and it would be _covered_ in glaring red pen, pointing out spelling errors and ridiculing him on his ideas. 

Lance hated it. Hated her. Hated her even more at parent teacher interviews when she told his parents that he was underwhelming and failed to meet her expectations.

_WHAT?!?_

Lance had never, _never,_ failed to meet a teacher’s expectations before. No, he usually _exceeded_ their expectations. It was because of Mrs. Glover that Lance had a stern talking to when he got home that night. It wasn’t his fault, though! His parents didn’t understand. He didn’t do anything wrong! 

Even worse than not being Mrs. Glover’s favourite, was knowing who _was._

_James._

Evil, manipulative James Griffin. It was infuriating! Part of Lance thought it was fitting, though. They were both evil, so it was only natural that they liked each other. 

Still, Lance craved his teacher’s approval, and did everything in his power to get her to like him. 

He worked harder. Studied more. Got his parents help on English essays, and read books far above his classmate’s reading level. And still, Mrs. Glover was underwhelmed.

One day, she kept him in class during recess. 

“Do you know why you’re here, Lance?”

Lance shook his head, trying not to cry. He’d never gotten a detention before. 

“You were disrupting the class today.”

“No I-“

“Don’t talk back to me!” She snapped. “You were arguing with James and it interrupted my lesson. Don’t you care about your education? You need to learn to respect me and your classmates.” 

Lance wanted to tell her it wasn’t his fault, that James had started it by calling him a loser (again), but he held his tongue. 

“I’m going to call your parents and they’ll need to talk to you about this,” Mrs. Glover continued. “And if I don’t see an improvement in your behaviour, I’ll keep you in at recess for the rest of the month. Understand?”

Lance nodded weakly, trying to swallow the lump in his throat and cover up his shaking. 

“Good. Now, go and clean the blackboard.” 

-

Lance rarely spoke in class after that. 

He did his work silently, participated when called upon, and never argued in class again. That last part made James upset, though, because his teasing in class didn’t work like it used to.

So, James resorted to tormenting him at recess. Just like in grade four. 

Except, it didn’t work. It didn’t work because this time Lance knew better than to give into James torments. He didn’t respond when James called him ugly and pathetic. He ignored it when James sent him back handed compliments in front of all his friends. Lance just shrugged if he was left out of games, not caring and instead went to sit at the wall and write in his journal. 

He didn’t care. 

They could isolate him all they wanted. He didn’t care anymore. 

Besides, if that happened, Keith would always join him, picking at leaves as Lance wrote or drew in his journal. 

It was ok. As long as Keith was there, it was ok. 

-

One day, in the spring of grade six, the class had to sit through a talk from a health nurse. 

A sexual health nurse.

That’s right.

Grade six meant the day when the class would finally learn about-

“Sex,” the nurse started. “Is something adults do for pleasure or in order to make a baby.” 

The class laughed and cringed and ‘ewww’ed as the nurse explained the intricacies of intercourse. 

She explained puberty. And hormones. And menstruation and wet dreams and arousal and basically all the horrors any sixth grader could imagine. 

It was awful. 

But what was more awful, was when James asked a question as a joke, just to get a reaction out of the class. 

He asked, “What about gay sex?”

And the class erupted into giggles. Mrs. Glover scolded them and told them to pay attention. Lance hadn’t laughed, though. He was confused. 

“No, no, children, that’s alright,” the nurse explained. “Gay sex is very real and ok to do as long as you use protection every time. You see, there are harmful diseases you can catch from having sex with two males.” 

_Sex with two what?!?!_

“You can do that?” Lance blurted before he could stop himself. 

The entire class burst out laughing and Lance felt himself go beet red. What was so funny? He didn’t understand. He hadn’t known you can do that with two boys, ok? He thought sex was just something a boy and a girl did. Where would the boy put his penis if not in the girl’s vagina? That i _s_ how you make babies. 

“Lance McClain!” Mrs. Glover snapped. “Behave yourself!” 

Lance flinched, bowing his head in shame. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud, and now he was in trouble, great.

“Oh, it’s quite alright,” the kind nurse said, looking at Lance as she spoke. “It’s possible for two boys to love each other like a boy and a girl do, and it’s also possible for two girls to love each other. This is called being gay and lesbian.” 

Lance swallowed and nodded, trying not to let his bright red face show. 

“And it is perfectly ok to be this way,” the nurse continued. 

“No,” James spoke up. “My dad says homosexuals are bad and if you’re gay you’re going to hell.” 

The nurse’s jaw dropped, completely shocked by such a response from an eleven year old boy. She couldn’t even respond, but she didn’t need to, because someone else beat her to it.

“That’s not true!”

And it was the last person Lance expected. 

Keith was standing up, glaring at James. “Being gay isn’t bad.”

James stood up too. “And how would you know? Are you gay?”

Keith froze. The whole class froze. Lance darted his gaze between James and Keith, feeling his insides twist. 

James crossed his arms and sneered. “Hey everybody, Keith’s gay!” 

Keith went white as a sheet and the class started snickering. Then, Keith’s cheeks turned pink and he closed his hands in fists. “I’m not gay!” 

“Keith’s gay! He’s gay!” James taunted.

“No wonder he always hangs out with Lance so much,” someone else muttered. 

“What if he goes to hell?” A voice piped up.

Keith looked around the classroom, growing more and more frantic, looking pale and frightened. Lance scowled.

No one made his best friend look that scared and got away with it. 

Lance stood up without a second thought. 

“Everybody shut up!” 

The class went silent. 

Mrs. Grover’s chair scrapped against the floor as she stood, pointing a wrinkled finger at Lance, her beady eyes glaring him down. “Lance McClain!” She ordered. “Office. NOW!” 

Lance’s jaw dropped, his eyes going wide. 

_The office?_

“But-“

“That is the last straw! Go to the office right now!” She ordered. 

Lance shrank, but he started moving towards the door, his head bowed and his shoulders hunched. But then-

“James, Keith, you can join him as well.” 

Lance looked up and met Keith’s eyes. He looked so scared. Lance felt anger twist inside of him.

Nobody made his best friend look like that. 

-

The principal sorted things out.

Lance, Keith, and James all had to stay in at recess for two days, but other than that, they weren’t in trouble.

Well, Lance and Keith weren’t.

James got a call home and a stern talking to by the principal.

Lance didn’t want to say that made him happy, but he definitely didn’t feel any remorse towards James. 

After that, Lance thought everything would be ok. Unfortunately, he was wrong.

The class hadn’t forgotten about the outburst from Sex Ed, and neither had James. 

Recess was a new form of hell for Lance and Keith. 

“Ew, they’re sitting together again. Do you think they’ll kiss?”

“Lance and Keith are gaaaay! They’re boyfriends! Haha!” 

“That’s so gross. Boys shouldn’t like boys, it’s unnatural.” 

“Hey! Are you two gonna kiss or what?” 

Lance ignored it. He was used to torment from classmates. But Keith? Keith was not.

“Don’t let it get to you, Keith,” Lance said, stroking Keith’s arm as he glared angrily at the ground. “They’re just-“

“Don’t touch me, Lance!” Keith snapped, pulling away. Lance snatched his hand back, trying not to let himself feel too hurt by Keith’s harsh words. 

Keith crossed his arms over his chest. 

“I’m not gay.” 

Lance scowled. “I never said you were!” he snapped.

Keith glared at him, and Lance suddenly felt like crying. 

“Leave me alone. I’m gonna play with the others.” 

“But,” Lance started, stepping forward. “They’re playing soccer. You hate soccer.”

Keith shrugged, turning away.

“Keith!” Lance grabbed his hand. Keith snatched it back. 

“I said don’t touch me, Lance!” 

Lance felt himself grow angry. Angry Keith was acting this way, angry the others kids were teasing him, angry he couldn’t do anything about it. 

“Why do you even care what they think?” Lance asked. “It doesn’t matter. None of them matter!” 

Keith stared at the ground. For a long moment, he was quiet. Then-

“I’m gonna play with them. I’ll play with you next recess, ok?” 

And Keith left. 

And Lance didn’t know what to do. 

-

-

-

Keith didn’t play with him the next recess.

-

-

-

That summer, Abuela and Abuelo came to Lance’s hometown instead of vice versa. Mami said it was because her and Papi were busy working and didn’t have time to go all the way to Toronto. Plus, they needed to help Luis move into his new dorm in college and Veronica was working all summer again. 

It was chaotic in the McClain household to say the least.

Marco was gone all summer too, spending it with his new girlfriend, Hailey, in Calgary. Lance missed him. Not only had he been off at university in Alberta all year, now he was spending his summer there too? Lance was angry with him. He missed having his big brother around. 

Luis wasn’t any better either. He often ignored Lance’s requests to play baseball with him. He wouldn’t let Lance play his video games and he kept treating Lance like he was a baby. Lance might have been the youngest of the family but he wasn’t a baby, alright? 

He wasn’t a cry baby.

_(Lance McClain is a crybaby)_

Veronica was gone all summer. He wanted to play dress up with her like they used to when they were kids. 

Mami and Papi were super busy, and rarely had time for Lance. Abuela and Abuelo helped them as much as they could, which also meant they didn’t have as much time as usual to spend with Lance. 

Chrissy was there, but she went out with her friends a lot. When she was there, though, she played with Lance and didn’t treat him like a baby.

Surprisingly, Lance thought she was now his favourite sibling. Which was weird, because she always used to be his least favourite. There was something about her now, something that made Lance feel like he wasn’t alone. 

Still, when she was busy, Lance did feel alone.

So alone.

The house was full of people, but Lance still felt so alone. 

-

He tried calling Keith, asking him to play. 

But Keith’s dog, Kosmo, just died, and Keith said he didn’t feel like playing. 

It was a lonely summer. 

-

-

-

Lance didn’t know this, but Keith was lonely too.

Keith was sad. He was so so so sad and he didn’t know why.

Kosmo died, and Keith cried and cried and cried. 

And when he couldn’t cry anymore, Keith just sat quietly in his room, feeling empty. 

When he tried to tell his parents how he felt, how lonely and sad and empty he felt, they turned on him.

“Try going out with friends, then you won’t be so lonely.”

“If you’re so sad all the time, do something about it.” 

“We know you’re upset about Kosmo, honey, but you have to get over it.” 

“If you’re so upset all the time and hate your life, then it must be our fault, because we gave you this life.” 

Keith knew his parents loved him, but they didn’t understand. He didn’t have friends. He pushed Lance away. The others hated him. He didn’t want friends, they would just turn on him. 

He couldn’t seem to do anything about his sadness. He tried, tried doing the things that used to make him happy, but they didn’t anymore. 

He couldn’t seem to get over Kosmo’s death, and he felt stupid for it because Kosmo was just a dog. But the sadness still lurked inside of him, and Keith felt so lonely. Usually, if he was sad, Kosmo would come and whine and put his head on Keith’s lap. But now, Kosmo was gone. 

And Keith’s parents, they meant well, but what they said made him feel so guilty. He hadn’t meant to blame them for his sadness. He liked living, but he was sad all the time, and he didn’t think it was _their_ fault. They gave life to him, they gave him a good life, yet he was still unhappy with it. Keith felt like shit. He felt like an ungrateful brat. 

And Keith was sad. 

And Lance was lonely. 

And the summer dragged on and on.

-

-

-


	3. Grade seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being ignored summer, Lance is nervous to see his best friend again. 
> 
> Keith is there, he’s still Lance’s best friend, but they don’t get along as well as they used to. Lance can’t help but wonder if it’s his fault.
> 
> Grade seven is tough. There are many ups and downs, but at the end of the day, all you need is your best friend standing beside you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour mes amis!
> 
> Enjoy this nearly 10k chapter. It kinda got away from me. I love it so much. 
> 
> Also enjoy as I force feed you Canadian history facts ;P

Lance stood in front of the full length mirror in his room. He tilted his head and studied his reflection harder. He squinted, pulling on the sleeves of his shirt and readjusting his collar for the fifth time. He couldn’t help it, ok? He wanted to look his best for his first day of seventh grade. 

“Lance! If you’re not down here in the next ten seconds we’re leaving without you!” 

Lance frowned at his reflection, sighing. It’ll have to do.

“Coming Mami!” Lance yelled as he grabbed his backpack and darted down the stairs.

Lance’s stomach was a ball of nerves the whole drive there. But considering the way grade six had ended, could you really blame him? He had so many thoughts and fears swirling around in his head.

_What if they all teased him the second he stepped foot in the classroom?_

_What if they remember all the jokes from last year and bring them up again?_

_What if Keith isn’t there?_

_Or what if he is and he ignores Lance again?_

Lance gulped and pushed away that last thought. There was no way Keith would ignore him again. They were best friends! 

_Yeah,_ Lance’s brain shot back. _Best friends aren’t supposed to ignore you all summer._

Lance pushed that thought away too, but it didn’t help much. The entire car ride over, Lance was silent. He sat and watched as houses whipped by from his window, chewing the inside of his cheek and trying not to throw up the cereal he’d had for breakfast.

Once they arrived, he took a deep breath.

It would be ok. No one would even remember all the stuff that happened last year. And Keith would be right there waiting for him, just like he always had been. Everything would be ok.

But Lance still felt nauseous as he walked into the school.

He was in grade seven now, so his new classroom was all the way at the end of the hallway. Lance walked, taking it one step at a time as his guts twisted painfully. The hallway felt longer than usual, and the chattering students and teachers from the classrooms he passed just made him feel more overwhelmed. He was weirdly hyper aware of his heart beat and how fast it was. 

Lance paused when he got to the door. The door to his new classroom. _Mrs_. _Walters_ the plaque on the door read. His new teacher. Hopefully she was better than the horrid Mrs. Glover, who was no longer teaching at Lance’s school. 

Lance gulped as he looked at the door. It felt massive, and scary. It felt daunting instead of exciting. Lance then realized that this was the first year he wasn’t excited to go back to school.

_Gee, I wonder why_ , his brain quipped sarcastically.

Still, Lance was determined. With a deep breath and an upset tummy, he walked into the classroom.

It wasn’t very different from previous years. Most of his class was there already, unpacking their things and getting situated at their news desks. They chatted amongst each other excitedly, happy to see their friends again after the summer. Lance gulped. Why did he feel this way? He wasn’t even sure how he felt just that it was _wrong._

He dragged his feet over to the desk with his name on it and plopped his backpack down on the chair. He started to rummage through it, taking out his pencil case, brand new binder, notebook-

“Hey.”

Lance nearly jumped out of his skin. He looked up and instantly his mood brightened. 

“Keith!”

Keith was standing there, in front of him, smiling shyly and shifting awkwardly. Lance’s face lit up with a grin. Wow, he knew he would be relieved once Keith talked to him again, but he hadn’t known he’d be _this_ happy about it. Lance almost felt like flying.

_Keith was talking to him again!_

That was what this was right? 

Although, now that Lance looked a little harder, he could see the obvious discomfort Keith was emanating. He was looking down and dragging his fingers across the desk, scowling and shifting his weight back and forth.

All the nerves came swarming back to bunch Lance’s insides into knots once more. 

Before he could say or do anything, though, Keith spoke.

“Looks like we’re table partners.”

Lance blinked, confused for a moment before he glanced down at the desk sitting next to his own. The name Keith was written on the name tag. 

Lance smiled, but his insides still twisted. “That’s good... right?”

“Depends,” Keith said, shrugging, and Lance wanted to throw up. “Are you going to cheat off of me?”

Keith _finally_ looked up, and Lance realized it had been worth the wait because there was nothing he loved more than Keith’s smile, and the one he was giving Lance right then was a knock out. 

All the nerves evaporated and Lance’s insides detangled themselves. He sighed and shot Keith a smile in return.

“Why would I need to cheat off of you? I’m smarter,” Lance replied, taking his backpack and hanging the straps off the back of his chair before he sat down. 

Keith shrugged off his own backpack and let it fall beside his desk. “Yeah right. I’m way smarter than you.”

“If you’re so smart, then why don’t you answer questions in class?” Lance challenged with a smug smirk.

“Because I’m not loud and annoying like you.”

Loud. 

_Annoying._

_(Lance_ _McClain is-_

Lance shook his head, pushing away the thoughts. “Yeah yeah yeah,” he said, sticking his tongue out at Keith.

Keith laughed, and the sound of it was so warm and familiar and _good_ that all the _bad_ and the _wrong_ dissipated, leaving Lance alone to smile at his best friend. 

Grade seven would be alright, Lance concluded, as long as he still had Keith.

-

Mrs. Walters was no Mrs. Glover. Lance learned that within the first week.

“Alright, pop quiz. When was the Confederation and where did it happen?”

But she was unlike any teacher Lance had ever had. 

She was strict, and she had high expectations. She was tall and thin, and her face was wrinkled and pointy. Lance thought she had a witch’s nose. 

The class sat quietly, carefully avoiding her eye contact so as not to get called on. 

Unfortunately, Lance was called upon anyway.

“Lance,” Mrs. Walters addressed him, glaring down at him from beside his desk. “Do you have the answer?”

Lance felt his cheeks heat up. He did not, in fact, have the answer.

“Um.” But he was going to try. “I know it’s July first, because that’s Canada day.”

Mrs. Walters nodded. “That’s right. Do you know the year?”

Lance felt himself flush harder. “Uh...”

_Ohno ohno ohno ohcrap._

Suddenly, there was a pencil tapping his hand. Lance turned stiffly to see Keith had written a number down on his paper, and he was secretly sliding it over so Lance could read-

“Eighteen-sixty-seven,” he announced in a rush. 

Mrs. Walters hummed. “That’s right. Thank you...” she leaned over a bit, squinting at something on Keith’s desk-

Oh no. 

“Keith.”

Lance and Keith both went tense. 

“Yes?” Keith asked, avoiding her eyes. 

Lance felt terrible. Now he went and got Keith in trouble all because he didn’t know when the stupid Confederation was.

“You had the right answer,” Mrs. Walters noted, her voice not strict or stern at all like Lance had been expecting. “Why didn’t you raise your hand?” 

Keith shrugged and didn’t respond. Lance could see his face was bright red.

“Next time you should have more confidence in yourself,” Mrs. Walters said with a tut. “And Lance.”

Lance went stiff again as he was now the object of her scrutinizing attention once more. 

“Next time, instead of cheating off your friend, you should just admit you don’t know the answer and ask for help. It’s alright if you don’t know, I’m not expecting everyone to know everything.”

And just like that, she resumed class like nothing had ever happened. 

Lance was a little stunned, and Keith still looked mortified, but as Mrs. Walters continued the lesson, Lance decided he liked her. She wasn’t like his other teachers. She wasn’t the nicest but she also seemed fair and understanding. She seemed like someone who pushed her students in the right direction. 

And Lance now instantly craved her approval. 

It wasn’t too hard to get it, either, not with Keith by his side.

They had little math contests at the end of each week and they got to work with their table partners to do it.

Lance would race to the front of the classroom to get the slip of paper with the BEDMAS problem on it, and then he would set it down and both him and Keith would start to solve it. Sometimes, Lance finished first, but Keith was never far behind. Usually, Keith would finish first and wait for Lance so that they could confirm they got the same answer. Then, Lance would scribble it down on the slip of paper, rush to hand it to the teacher, get it checked over, and then be handed the next problem and the process would start all over again. 

They won every time.

“Lance! Quick! This is the last one- hurry up!”

“I’m trying!” 

Lance bit is lip as his brain worked in time with his hand. 

_Ok... 2x7... 14... minus 5.... 9... divided by 2? That doesn’t seem-_

“No, Lance, the brackets come first!” Keith urged, catching his mistake.

“Right!” Lance noted. “Ok... seven minus five is two times two-“ his brain filled in the rest with ease. “I get two as my answer!” 

“Great, so did I!”

Keith scrawled it onto the slip and Lance raced to hand it to Mrs. Walters. 

“Aaaaand- that’s right!” She announced, “Lance and Keith win again!” 

The rest of the class groaned as Keith and Lance high-fived.

“That’s right! Who’s the best table partners in class?” Lance bragged.

Keith rolled his eyes, but he was smiling pretty hard. “We are.”

“Yeah! We make a good team, huh?” 

Keith smiled even harder. “Yeah.” 

-

Recess was no different from other years. They still played soccer all the time. So, Lance and Keith went back to playing together too. 

Except, it felt weird. It didn’t feel the same. 

Keith was unusually quiet these days. Sure, he was always quiet, that’s just Keith. He didn’t talk much, inside or outside of class, but that didn’t hold true with Lance. When it was just Lance and him, Keith would never hesitate to speak his mind, to talk, to yell, to laugh, to scream. They always talked and played and laughed. 

But now? Now they sort of just sat in silence at recess. 

It was disheartening.

Lance knew something was wrong, but when he asked Keith about it he was just shut down.

It went something like:

“Are you ok? You haven’t been talking a lot lately.”

“I usually don’t talk a lot.”

“Yeah, I know, but you talk with me.”

Keith shrugged. 

“Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing’s bothering me, Lance.” Keith snapped. 

Lance frowned. “Well I know that’s a lie. Something is obviously wrong.”

Keith stayed suspiciously quiet. 

“Is it your dog?” Lance ventured. “Are you still sad?”

“No.” 

Keith was frowning at the ground. He wouldn’t look at Lance.

“Then what is it?”

“Nothing, Lance!” Keith stood up from the hill. “Leave me alone.” 

Lance didn’t follow him down the hill, but he wanted to. 

-

Mrs. Walters liked to change the seating plan every month. And that October, she made it so that Lance and Keith were on opposite sides of the classroom.

Lance was now sitting next to a girl named Romelle. She was blonde and pretty but she also had a kind of annoying voice. Lance felt bad for thinking that, but it was true. 

Keith, on the other hand, was sitting next to _James._

Lance wasn’t too happy about that.

First off, did no one warn their new teacher about James? Did no one tell her that James got sent to the principals office last year and got detention?

Well, ok, so did he and Keith, but James got into more trouble than them! 

Secondly, Lance knew Keith didn’t like James. He felt bad for Keith, it must suck being next to someone so mean and arrogant. Lance wanted to go over there and steal Keith back. 

But alas, there was nothing he could do. 

-

October was fine.

Romelle got more and more irritating as the month went on. Her perfume made Lance’s nose itch and her glitter pens started to set him on edge, though he wasn’t quite sure why. 

Meanwhile, Keith and James were still table partners. 

Lance didn’t like it. He was supposed to be Keith’s table partner! They were supposed to work together and win the math competitions!

But now... 

“Congratulations, Keith and James! You two make a terrific team!” Mrs. Walters exclaimed as they won the competition.

Lance’s blood boiled with jealousy. 

There were Keith and James, wining like it wasn’t even hard at all. James whopped and patted Keith on the back, and Keith smiled at him! Seriously, Keith? Why are you smiling at _him?_ You hate him! 

Meanwhile Lance was...

“Thirty-six divided by six?!? That’s impossible!”

Lance sighed. “No, Romelle. The answer is six.”

“Oh.”

... yeah. 

-

Ok, this seriously wasn’t fair.

Not only did Lance have to sit back and watch as Keith and James won math competitions together, but he also had to sit and watch as they talked to each other. They made jokes. They laughed. They helped each other with homework and they talked about their favourite comics. 

Lance had to just sit there and watch as Keith and James become honest to god _friends._

It made something twist inside of him. The mere thought of Keith being friends with the same person who tormented Lance all throughout grade four. The same person who tormented Lance _and_ Keith in grade six. _Seriously?!?_ Had Keith just forgotten all about that? Did he forget all of what James said to him that quickly? 

And Lance wouldn’t mind that much- ok, he would- but he would mind a lot _less_ if Keith would still talk to _him._

But lately that wasn’t the case.

Keith would be open and talking happily if there was a group of people there. He was answering more questions in class and he sure talked to James a lot. 

But when it was just Lance and Keith, boom. Nothing. Keith would close up and act all moody and distant- and he would even flat out ignore Lance sometimes!

Recesses sucked.

On the good days it would be almost normal. Keith and Lance would sit on the hill and talk, or they would walk around the yard, picking up sticks and chucking them across the field. 

On the bad days, though, Keith wouldn’t even sit with Lance. 

He’d go off and walk on his own, or he would stay in and help Mrs. Walters clean the blackboard, or- worst of all- he would play with _James._

It made Lance boil with anger. 

Why James? What was so special about him? Why did Keith want to talk to him and not Lance? Why did he always chose James over Lance? Lance was his best friend! Not James! So why did Keith always go to James? What did Lance do? Was there something wrong with him? 

It made Lance so angry. 

It wasn’t fair! 

Why James? James sucked! James was mean! 

Why didn’t Keith like him anymore? What did he do? Was Keith mad at him? 

Did Lance push him away?

Did Lance say something wrong?

Why was this happening? 

It made Lance angry and... it hurt.

It hurt a lot.

-

-

Halloween. 

Halloween was Keith’s favourite holiday. Halloween was _their_ holiday. Surely Lance and Keith would spend it together like they had every year since grade three. 

“Hey Keith!” Lance said as he walked up to where him and James were playing Pokémon by the wall of the school. 

“Oh, hey Lance,” Keith replied, smiling up at him.

Ok, Keith was smiling, good start. Although it did make Lance wonder why he was so happy anyway, when he had been miserable the other day when Lance had tried to talk to him and he pushed him away... again. 

“Hey Lancey Lance!” Janes trilled, grinning up at him. “I would say you could play with us but this is kind of a two player game.” 

Lance’s blood boiled but he managed to ignore James’ taunts. That wasn’t why he was here. 

“So Keith,” he turned back to his best friend. “My mom wants to know if we’re trick or treating at my house or yours this year.” 

Keith paused, right as he was reaching for one of his Pokémon cards. 

“Umm, actually, Lance...”

“Neither.” 

Lance turned his head towards James, an angry retort already on his lips. He was just about to say it- _nobody asked you-_ before James cut him off before he could even begin. 

“Keith’s coming to my house for Halloween this year.”

And just like that, Lance felt very very small again.

Small and helpless. Just like James has made him feel in grade four. 

He tried to shove away the feeling and turned to Keith. “Is that true?” 

Keith looked downright guilty. Lance’s face darkened with betrayal. 

“I just,” Keith started, squirming and not meeting Lance’s eyes. “Thought it would be fun.”

“Fun?” Lance asked, the word sounding hallow as it tumbled from his lips. Ice was starting to creep through Lance’s veins. He felt cold and hurt and, honestly? Left out. 

“That’s right,” James said. “I have the coolest decorations at my house. Plus, my mom got us _full-sized_ chocolate bars.” 

Lance wanted to glare at him, yell at him, but he was still too shocked that Keith would even do such a thing. Halloween was their thing. 

He wouldn’t take his eyes off Keith, but Keith wouldn’t look at him. 

“You’re seriously going trick-or-treating with _him_ and not me?” Lance said it before he could stop himself. 

Keith opened his mouth. “No-“

“No!” James snapped. “We’re not going trick-or-treating. That’s for little kids.”

Ok. What? This made absolutely no sense. Keith loved trick-or-treating. There was no way he’d miss it just to hang out with _James._

“Keith,” Lance said, and apparently there must have been some bite to his tone because Keith flinched a little. 

“Look, Lance, it’s no big deal,” Keith defended himself.

No big deal? No big deal! Oh, so was their favourite holiday just no big deal anymore?! Was their whole friendship just no big deal?! 

“Yeah, Lance,” James replied, a smirk on his lips. Lance turned to glare daggers into his stupid face. “It’s no big deal. Except I _am_ inviting Ryan and Nathan and Luke, too. And some of the girls are coming.” 

Lance scoffed. “Yeah right.” 

“It’s true! Nadia, Romelle, and Allura are coming,” James argued.

Lance’s jaw nearly dropped. Nearly.

Allura was going to be there?

“Right, so you can come too,” Keith said, looking towards James. “He can come, right?” 

James glared at Lance. Lance glared at James. 

“I don’t know,” James said. “My mom said not too many people.”

“He’s just one more person,” Keith argued.

“It’s fine,” Lance snapped. “I don’t want to go to your stupid party anyway.”

It’s a lie and they all know it, but for once Lance felt like he had the upper hand on James, so before the stupid bully could turn it around on him, Lance stormed off. 

“Lance!” Keith called him, but Lance didn’t look back. 

-

Betrayal. Deep and utter betrayal is what Lance felt. 

And anger. Lots of anger.

Probably jealousy, too. 

There was also a healthy amount of loathing, hatred, and pettiness. 

But what Lance felt the most deeply, was just upset. He was upset and hurt. He felt so inadequate, so much smaller than James and James’ big house with a big party with _girls_ and full-sized chocolate bars. 

It wasn’t fair. Lance couldn’t compete with that.

Although, it shouldn’t matter. Halloween was their thing and Keith knew that, so why did he suddenly want to go to James’ house? Was James his best friend now? 

Whatever. He hoped Keith had fun at that party because he was so not going. 

-

-

“Hey Lance,” James greeted him at the door. “Thought you didn’t want to come?”

Lance frowned. “Yeah, well, you invited me so it’s only polite.” 

He crossed his arms and sized up James, but the boy on the other side of the door didn’t take the bait. Instead, he opened it more so Lance could come in. 

Lance was already familiar with James’ mom’s house. After all, they had been friends in grade four. Sort of.

He led Lance to the basement where apparently everyone else was.

Lance blinked in awe once he was down there. 

There were orange string lights lining the ceiling, a table full of Halloween themed snacks and treats, toy bats hanging from the ceiling and music playing from the flat screen TV. 

Ok, so it was pretty cool.

“Lance!”

“Hey, buddy, you made it!”

“Hey Lance!”

“Come join us, we’re playing truth or dare!” 

Lance was a little taken aback. He wasn’t expecting to be welcomed so warmly like this, but he wasn’t complaining. 

“Hey guys,” he said, grinning as he took a seat on the floor next to Keith. 

“You came,” Keith said to him, just him, with a smile on his face.

Lance was still a little upset, but that smile did make him feel better. So, he returned it. “Course I did. This is our holiday.” 

Keith smiled harder.

“Ok ok!” Romelle exclaimed loudly. “It was my turn!” 

They all turned to her. They were sitting in a circle, and Lance took a look around. Everyone James had bragged about being there was indeed there, even Allura.

Lance’s eyes landed on her. She had a black dress on with a matching witch hat. She was smiling and giggling as Romelle looked around at the circle to select her victim. 

“I choose... Lance!”

Wait, what?

“Truth or dare, Lance?” Romelle asked, waggling her eyebrows.

Lance felt every pair of eyes in the room on him. He squirmed.

“Why me?”

“Because you just got here and haven’t had a turn yet,” Romelle explained. “Now answer!” 

Lance frowned. He didn’t like this game, but Allura seemed to be enjoying herself, and Lance liked that she was looking at him, so. “Truth.”

Romelle gasped, a large grin spreading across her face. She turned to Allura and whispered in her ear, causing Allura to giggle all prettily. Lance loved the sound of it. 

“Ok, Lance,” she said, eyeing him wickedly. “Here’s your question, and you have to answer truthfully.”

Lance repressed the urge to roll his eyes, because duh. 

“Out of all the girls in our class, which one would you kiss?” 

The girls all giggled, but James and Ryan just groaned. 

“Ugh, this again?” James complained.

“Just pick one of them and get it over with Lance,” Ryan whispered to him. “They’re crazy.” 

But Lance didn’t want to answer. He didn’t want to answer at all. He knew exactly who he would choose, but he didn’t want to say that out loud to everyone! 

He glanced at Allura. She was already looking at him.

Oh crap. Oh no. 

“Uhhh,” Lance uttered uselessly, trying to think of what to say. Who to pick. Whatever. 

“Just answer the question and get it over with,” James groaned, flopping onto his back. “They already asked every other boy here the same question.”

“Oh?” That was interesting. He turned to Keith. “Who’d you pick?”

Keith’s eyes went wide and his face went red. “No one. Doesn’t matter.”

The girls snickered. Lance frowned.

Not once had Keith ever told him he had a crush on someone. In fact, Keith seemed to steer clear of any conversations involving girls. Lance used to rant to him about Allura, but he would always try and change the subject. Now though, Keith seemed to be interested somewhat. He did answer this truth question after all.

“Are you really not gonna tell me?” Lance asked him, hushed.

“I’ll tell you after you answer the question,” Keith mumbled, still red. 

Dang. Lance really really wanted to know who Keith chose, but he couldn’t until he answered the horrible question. He sighed dramatically. 

“Fine,” he relented. His guts squirmed uncontrollably with nerves but he swallowed them down. “I guess... I would kiss...”

Lance’s eyes dropped back to Allura again. She was watching with rapt attention, she looked eager, almost hopeful. Lance’s heart rate skyrocketed.

“Um...” He took a deep breath, screwing his eyes shut. Here goes nothing. “Allura.”

At first, there was silence. He opened his eyes and then the room erupted. 

The boys laughed, James and Ryan giving Lance looks as if to say ‘good choice, dude’. Romelle groaned unhappily and Nadia rolled her eyes, muttering, “Why do they all choose Allura?” 

Allura, for her part, was smiling and blushing a little. 

“What?” Lance asked, because what? 

“Dude, we all said Allura too,” Ryan replied, still snickering. 

“Oh,” Lance replied. Then, a thought struck him. He whipped around to gape at Keith like a fish out of water, his eyes practically bugging out of their sockets. “Even _you?”_

Keith was pointedly looking down at the floor. He shrugged, muttering, “Only because that’s who everyone else picked.”

“Wait, so you wouldn’t kiss Allura?” Romelle asked curiously. 

“I don’t know!” Keith replied, his face absolutely red.

Romelle grinned wickedly, and Lance was pretty sure he was terrified of her now. 

“I have an idea,” she said. “Why doesn’t the next person dare Keith to kiss Allura? Then we’ll really see if he likes her or not.” 

The circle erupted into “ooooou”s. 

Keith, for his part, looked terrified. 

But no one could be more terrified than Lance. His heart nearly broke in half. Keith? Kiss Allura? The girl Keith _knew_ Lance liked? That sounded _awful._

But, lucky for Lance-

“Lance! You’re next! Do it! Dare Keith to kiss Allura!!” 

The circle urged him on, and Lance was caught looking frantically between all of them and Keith. Keith, who was looking at him with pleading eyes. 

There was no way he would do that to Keith. But he had to appease the crowd. So:

“Alright. But he can still pick truth instead of dare,” he said with a shrug. Then, he turned to his very pale best friend. “Truth or dare, Keith?”

Keith blinked. “Uh... truth?” He said it like he was still expecting there to be a trick. 

“Who’s better, Spider-Man or Batman?” 

Lance already had the question ready without even thinking. He remembered his first ever Halloween with Keith and their argument over who was the better superhero, now he just wondered if Keith would remember. 

Keith grinned at him like Lance had just saved his life. “Batman, obviously!”

Lance’s heart leaped for joy. “You are so wrong, dude! It’s Spider-Man, duh!” 

Romelle sighed. “Boo. You guys are boring. Ok, Keith it’s your turn.”

Keith smiled gratefully at Lance before playing his turn.

-

The rest of the night was fun. They went home around nine because there was still school the next day. Lance and Keith carpooled back since they lived near each other and James’ house was on the other side of town. 

Kaori dropped Lance off at home and Lance said his goodbyes to Keith and his thank yous to Kaori. 

Once home, Lance got ready for bed. Then, he climbed into bed and just laid there thinking about how much fun the party had actually been, and how thankful he was that it didn’t result in any fights between him and James. 

But most of all, Lance was just thankful he got to spend the night with Keith.

Halloween was still their holiday. 

-

November first meant a new month, which also meant a new seating plan.

But this time Lance got seated beside a girl named Madison. 

And Keith got to sit beside-

_ALLURA?!?!?_

-

-

November was cold. And lonely. 

Keith and James spent recesses together by the soccer field. So Lance hung around there too, but he felt unwelcome. 

Allura and Keith were a power machine, an incredibly smart power machine, and they easily won every single math competition. 

Allura talked to him a lot. And Keith talked to her a lot. 

Lance knew they were becoming friends.

_Great._ Lance thought. _Just someone else Keith can talk to that isn’t me._

Lance tells himself its doesn’t matter, that it doesn’t bother him. Keith can have other friends, of course.

But since when had those other friends replaced him?

Why didn’t Keith want to be his friend anymore? 

Did he do something wrong?

-

-

December.

December flat out sucked. 

First and foremost, Abuela was sick.

Abuela was sick.

That was what Lance’s mama told them when she broke the news that Abuela and Abuelo couldn’t come down for Christmas that year. She gathered them all up in the living room (but it felt like less people then it should have because both Luis and Marco were absent- at college) and told them.

“Abuela is sick,” she tells them. “She can’t make the trip here, so her and Abuelo won’t be here this year for Christmas.”

“Well how sick is she?” Chrissy asked.

“What does she have? Is she ok?” Veronica chimed in.

“She’ll be ok,” their mama assured them. “The doctors say it’s shingles. She’ll get better but she needs rest.”

The conversation continued. More words flew above Lance’s head. But he couldn’t hear them. He couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t think of anything else but-

_Abuela is sick._

_Abuela is sick Abuela is sick Abuela is sick_

What did that mean? Was she going to be ok? What would happen to Christmas? They couldn’t do Christmas without Abuela! Who would make cookies with him and read him bedtime stories and setup the Christmas tree and play scrabble and- 

“Lance?”

And what if she wasn’t ok? What is she got sicker? What if she never came there for Christmas again? What if he never saw her again? Would she be ok? What was going to happen? He needed his Abuela he wanted his Abuela- 

“Lance!”

Suddenly, Lance realized he couldn’t see. 

There was a very very loud ringing in his ears, and someone was breathing really really fast-

Oh. That was him.

“Lance, mijo, shh, shh, cálmese, cálmese. Respira, mijo.” 

Lance knew that was his mama, but he couldn’t see her. He could kind of feel two arms wrapped around him, but it was hard. It felt like he was floating under water. Everything was muted and he couldn’t feel anything other than panic.

Lance sobbed and that’s when he realized he was crying. For how long, though, he wasn’t sure. 

“Lance, please honey, breathe. Breathe. In... and out... that’s it... breathe, just breathe.” 

Lance tried focusing on his mama’s words. He wanted to curl up in her arms, but he couldn’t move. Everything was black and everything was scary.

He felt like he was dying.

Lance cried harder. 

“Shh, shh baby. It’s ok. I got you. Mami’s right here. Shh.” 

Lance felt himself shaking. He felt tears on his face. He felt arms wrapped around him. He felt the ground underneath him.

He took a slower, deeper breath. 

“That’s it, Lance. Just breathe.”

Lance whimpered. 

“Inhala.”

Lance breathed in. 

“Exhala.”

He breathed out.

“Inhala.”

He breathed in and the ringing quieted down.

“Exhala.” 

He breathed out and it was like releasing all his energy.

“Inhala.”

The world was coming back into focus.

“Exhala.”

Lance opened his eyes and he could see again. He turned to look at his mama and she smiled at him, holding him tight. “There you go, mijo. That’s better, right?” 

Lance sniffed. “What happened?” 

He was so confused. It had happened so fast. It had been so intense.

“You had a panic attack, mijo,” Lance’s mom explained. 

Lance looked around the room. Chrissy and Veronica were staring at him with wide eyes. They looked scared. But not as scared as Lance had just felt moments ago. 

“What’s that?” He asked, his voice hoarse. 

His mama held him tighter. “It’s what happens when we’re really scared or panicked and our brain doesn’t know what to do about it.” 

“Oh,” said Lance, but he still didn’t understand.

“It’s ok. It feels scary but it’s over now.” 

Mama holds him and Veronica sits beside him and strokes his hair soothingly. 

“Is Abuela ok?” Lance asked in a terrified, soft voice. 

“Abuela is going to be just fine.”

Lance closed his eyes, completely exhausted all of a sudden, and prayed to God that that was true. 

-

So, yeah. December of 2013 sucked. 

Christmas felt empty without Abuela and Abuelo, even if Luis and Marco were both back at home for it.

Lance could tell his mama was doing everything she could to make it a good Christmas. She made the food Abuela would normally make. They baked cookies. They set up the tree. They played games. 

But Lance just felt empty. He felt sad and empty.

He wished Abuela was there. 

-

-

-

The months blurred together from there. Lance went to school. Lance got ignored by Keith. Lance went home. Lance asked about Abuela. Lance was told Abuela was getting better day by day. Lance asked when he could see her again. Lance was told soon. 

Lance did his schoolwork, but his heart wasn’t in it anymore. He wasn’t as driven to impress his teacher anymore. Mrs. Walters never sat him beside Keith anyway, so what was the point. 

Lance tried not to feel upset or disappointed, he tried not to feel anything, but every time he saw Keith talk to someone else, smile at them, laugh with them, it made a knife twist in his heart.

Why was he never good enough anymore?

-

-

-

There was one week in March which had Lance excited and getting his hopes up again.

First of all, there was the spring dance. 

The spring dance was something their school did every year for the grade seven and eights, and now that Lance was /finally/ in grade seven, he could attend. And he just couldn’t wait. 

And even better, it was on the same day as Keith’s birthday. Keith and Lance had planned it all out. They would have a blast at the dance on Friday afternoon, and then after school they would go back to Keith’s house. They would play video games and have cake and stay up late watching scary movies. 

Lance was practically buzzing with excitement just from thinking about it.

But there was something even better. The following week was March Break, so after Lance returned from Keith’s house on Saturday morning, he would be packing up a suitcase so him and his family could hightail it to Toronto.

That’s right. He was going to see Abuela!

She was finally healthy enough to have company over, and Lance was out of his mind with anticipation. He was going to give her the biggest and longest hug he’d ever given her. 

The week seemed to crawl by at a snail’s pace, but then, finally, Friday was upon them.

Lance’s class set out after their morning period to help set up the gym. They brought in tons of flower decorations, blow-up palm trees, string lights, and more. They set up tables at the back for the bake sale and the table for the DJ (who was just the English teacher with a bad playlist on his iPod touch). They even got to set up a photo booth! 

“Alright, class, that’s the bell!” Mrs. Walters exclaimed just as the recess bell stopped ringing. “Go outside and expel some of that energy before the dance.”

The class ran outside to play manhunt, and Lance had the time of his life.

At least he couldn’t be left out of manhunt, right?

After recess, they lined up and were led back to class for a quick lecture on how to behave at school dances. The students hardly payed attention as they were way too geared up for the dance.

Eventually though, they were allowed to head to the gym. Lance gasped as he and Keith walked through the doors.

The gym looked totally different! The lights were all off, so the only light was from the string lights hung everywhere and the disco lights coming from the DJ booth. The music was loud and pumping through the speakers and the kids from the other classes were spread out, cramming the gym. Some of them were dancing, others were buying sweets, and some were just sitting by the wall talking. Lance wasn’t going to be one of those kids that was for sure.

“Come on, Keith!” Lance grabbed his best friend by the hand. “Let’s go dance!”

He dragged them to the section of the gym where students were dancing. He turned to Keith with a grin and started jumping up and down. The music was so loud that Lance could feel the base thrumming underneath his skin. 

“Why aren’t you dancing?” Lance practically yelled over to Keith, even though they were right beside each other.

“Cause it’s lame.”

“What?”

“Cause it’s lame!”

“What?!?” 

Keith groaned and Lance cackled.

“I don’t like dancing!” Keith shouted. 

“Sure you do!” Lance grabbed his hands and forced Keith to move, pulling him in close and then pushing him away. “You just haven’t danced with me yet!” 

Lance kept jumping and eventually, with a roll of his eyes first, Keith joined in too. Lance laughed as they jumped around and danced, totally off sync with the music, but that didn’t matter. It was fun regardless of if they danced well or not. 

They found more people from their class, even though the gym was so dark you could hardly make out people’s faces, and they danced and jumped and even conga-line-ed. They got soda and popcorn from the bake sale, and they danced and joked around and danced some more.

Then, about halfway through the dance, a slow song came on. 

Lance felt himself freeze. He watched in terror as girls and boys from grade eight started pairing up and dancing _together_ to the slow beat. Uh oh. This was one of those slow dances Lance had heard about.

He glanced around the room. The rest of the students had gathered so that there was a wide circle around the couples hugging each other and swaying in time to the music. Lance was on the edge of the circle, gulping nervously. What was he supposed to do?

He turned to Keith- 

_WHERE WAS KEITH!?!?!?!_

Lance turned around, frantically searching the crowd of dark faces for his best friend. Where did he go? He wouldn’t just run off like that, right? 

Feeling nervous and abandoned, Lance made his way out of the circle and towards the other end of the gym. Maybe he’d just hang by the bake sale table and make it look like he was buying something so that people wouldn’t see that he had no one to dance w-

“Hey Lance!”

Lance turned around at the mention of his name to see Allura, Romelle, and Nadia making they’re way over to him. 

“Uh,” Lance glanced around but Keith was still no where to be seen. “Yeah?” 

Allura spoke first. “We want to slow dance,” she explained, and Lance’s heart fluttered inside his chest. Was she going to ask him to- “but Romelle doesn’t have a partner.”

Oh. Romelle. Not Allura. 

Lance looked up at Romelle. She was kinda pretty, if not a little weird. Her blonde hair was done up in pig tails and she was wearing a tacky Hawaiian button up shirt. But she was smiling and acting all shy and nervous, and Lance didn’t want to make her feel bad. 

“Do you wanna dance with me?” Lance asked. She stared at him with wide eyes before turning pink and nodding her head vigorously.

Lance smiled. Ok, she was kind of cute, if not a little evil as well. 

“Great!” Allura said, shooting him a devastatingly gorgeous smile. “Let’s go find those other two now.”

They walked back to the circle and Lance saw that ‘those other two’ were James and-

“Keith! There you are,” Lance exclaimed to the boy who looked ready to jump out of his skin. “I was looking for you.”

Keith nodded, but Lance could tell he wasn’t even paying attention to him. He frowned, but before he could ask, Nadia was taking his best friend by the hand.

“Come on, Keith,” she said with a roll of her eyes as she led them to the dance floor. “Let’s get this over with.”

Lance raised an eyebrow, but before he could say anything, he too was being dragged away.

“Ok, so.” Romelle fidgeted, looking around at the other couples. “I think I put my hands here-“

She wrapped her arms around Lance’s neck. 

“-And you hold my waist.”

Lance reached out and planted his hands on her lower back. He felt her tense for a moment before she composed herself and relaxed.

“Um,” Lance squeaked, feeling his face heat up. “What now?”

Romelle shrugged and started by swaying them both to the right. “I think we just dance.” 

Lance followed her lead (even though he was pretty sure he was supposed to be the one leading) and swayed from side to side. 

_“Not really sure how a feel about it..._ “

The music played loudly as Lance tried to focus on it’s timing and not the feeling of a girl being so close to him. 

“ _Makes me feel like I can’t live without you and it takes me all the way-_ “

Lance looked anywhere but at Romelle. He looked at Keith and Nadia. Man, Keith looked even more uncomfortable than him! Lance almost laughed out loud at the sight of his best friend stiffly rocking side to side, his hands barely touching Nadia’s waist and his arms locked and extended as far as they could go. It was kind of hilarious. 

Lance looked further to see James and Allura. He wasn’t surprised, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He decided it best to just not look at them.

“ _I want you to stay.... ooouuuu...._ “

The last chord rung out through the gym and then the song ended. Lance and Romelle stopped abruptly, and Lance let his hands drop. 

“Uhhh,” he uttered ineloquently.

“Ok, um, bye!” 

Romelle scampered off to join her giggling friends. The music started up again and this time it was the telltale start to _Can’t Hold Us_ by Macklemore.

“KEITH!” Lance shrieked as he ran to his best friend. “WE HAVE TO DANCE!” 

-

After the dance ended, Lance was ready to go to Keith’s house for the big sleepover birthday party. Unfortunately, James was also coming.

But Lance swore he wouldn’t let that ruin his good mood. He could get along with James for one night. Besides, for whatever reason, Keith liked James. They were friends and Lance just had to accept that. 

Besides, he would always be Keith’s _best_ friend. There was no way James could ever take that from him. 

“Let’s play Mario Cart!” 

“I’m going to leave you in the dust, Keith!”

“Oh yeah? Then taste the wrath of my blue shell, Lance!”

“Wha- no!”

Yoshi flew past Mario’s spinning vehicle to take first place.

“Aw man! You cheated!” Lance whined.

“You literally can’t cheat at this game, Lance.” Keith reasoned.

“You still cheated,” Lance grumbled.

-

They watched “The Conjuring”, even though Lance was very much against it.

“Aw, are you scared Lancey Lance?” James teased. 

“I’m not scared!” Lance shot back. 

It was a lie. It was _such_ a lie. It was the biggest lie Lance had ever told. He couldn’t even handle the beginning scene with the creepy doll, let alone the rest of the movie! He was practically shaking, pulling the blanket up to his nose and squeezing his eyes shut every ten minutes. 

Somehow, though, he got through it.

But then it was time for bed.

They slept in the basement this time, and Lance found it to be much darker than Keith’s room, with many more creepy sounds coming from every direction. Lance hid under his sleeping bag, only leaving room to poke his eyes out in case demons or ghosts or evil creepy dolls came to get him. 

It was terrifying. Not even the soft breaths of Keith right beside him could calm him down.

So, in a fit of panic, he shook Keith awake.

“Keith! Keith!” he hissed quietly. “Wake up!”

Keith groaned. “What? Lance? Go back to sleep.”

Lance’s heart pounded in his chest. He’d never been this scared in his life. Well... except when he heard Abuela was sick. 

“Can’t.” Lance kept shaking Keith adamantly. “I’m too scared.”

Keith obviously heard the shakiness in his voice because he sat up. “Are you really that scared?”

Lance could only nod, not trusting his voice. He almost felt like crying, that’s how scared he was. He was also very very thankful James was still fast asleep.

Keith frowned in concern. “Do you want me to get my mom?”

Lance shook his head.

“Ok, well what do you want me to do?”

Lance paused, thinking for a moment. He knew what would calm him down, but he wasn’t sure he should ask that of Keith. 

Something in the house creaked and Lance flinched. Ok, ok, ok. This was fine. He could handle-

Another creak. Louder. Images from the movie kept flashing though his head. Lance was paralyzed. He was scared out of his mind. He had no choice. 

“C-can you, uh... m-maybe hold my hand?” 

“Huh?” Keith asked, still half asleep.

“M-my grandma used to hold my hand when I couldn’t sleep,” Lance explained.

For a minute, Keith was still. Lance feared he might have asked too much. He was about to backpedal when-

“You want me to hold your hand?” Keith asked quietly. Lance just nodded his reply. Keith sighed. “Ok, fine. But don’t tell James.” 

Lance nodded vehemently, ever so grateful for his best friend. Keith settled back down and held his hand out to Lance. Lance shimmied his arm out from his sleeping bag and grasped Keith’s hand. Their arms laid side by side, their hands clasped between them.

Lance let out a stuttering breath. Ok, this was a little better. Keith’s hand was warm and real and grounding. Still, Lance’s heart beat a little too fast. 

“Lance, you’re squeezing too hard,” Keith whispered.

“Sorry,” Lance whispered back, easing up his grip a little bit. 

Keith let out a long suffering sigh. “Here, try this.”

Keith shifted until he was on his side, facing Lance. Lance did the same, turning until he was face to face with Keith on the carpet of Keith’s basement floor.

“There,” Keith said, his dark eyes peering at Lance. “Is that better?”

Lance kept looking at his eyes. He must’ve never really payed much attention before, he guessed, if he had managed to miss the colour of Keith’s eyes. He always thought they were just a really dark brown, or something. But now, looking so closely, Lance could see that they were actually a really dark blue. Like a midnight sky.

Somehow, it was calming.

“Yeah,” Lance whispered. 

Keith smiled at him. “Don’t be scared, Lance. I’ll fight any ghosts that try to hurt you.”

Lance smiled back. “Ok.”

Keith squeezed his hand. Lance squeezed back. Then, they closed their eyes.

“Goodnight, Lance.”

“Night, Keith.”

Lance was out like a light. 

-

-

Abuela looked different. 

Lance did indeed give her the biggest and longest hug he had ever given her, clinging to her like he was once again eight years old and couldn’t let her go. He stuffed his face into her shoulder and breathed in her Abuela sent. It was a mixture of good cooking, her sweet perfume, and somehow the smell of warmth. 

Later, when Lance wasn’t clinging to her or unpacking his suitcase, he got a really good look at her. She was weaker, he realized with a pang of fear. She needed to support her weight on a walker with wheels, now, in order to get from the kitchen to the living room. She was thinner too, and paler, and she looked even older. 

But she still had that warm smile, and she still had that loving twinkle in her eye, and she still had that determination. No matter how many times Mami offered, Abuela wouldn’t let her take over the cooking. It was Abuela’s kitchen, so Abuela cooked. However, Mami and her kids helped with the cleaning (but only when Abuela wasn’t looking). 

Lance played scrabble with her and Abuelo. 

“Aha! I have a good word here...” Abuelo chuckled as he placed his letters down. 

Lance watched as Abuelo spelt the word ‘farts’ by using the r from Lance’s word ‘ranch’. 

“Haha! Abuelo!” Lance giggled at his grandpa. 

“¡Tsk- Alejandro!” Abuela chastised, smacking Abuelo lightly on the arm. Though she was also smiling. 

They watched “The Lady and the Tramp” that night on their tiny old TV on VHS tape, because it was Abuela’s favourite movie. Then, Lance got ready for bed with Christine. He’d be sleeping in mama’s old room with his sister, Veronica got the guest room, and mama and papa got the basement. Lance wanted to sleep with Abuela like usual, but he didn’t want to be a bother. He knew Abuela needed proper rest now, and he would probably just wake her up in the night by accident. 

They stayed for the week. They cooked, cleaned, laughed, played games, told stories, watched movies, went to the park. They didn’t go on any crazy excursions like they had during the summer, but Lance didn’t care at all. All he wanted to do was spend time with his grandparents. 

Staying in the same room as Chrissy also meant spending more time with her. They stayed up late giggling and whispering just like in the summer. Chrissy made funny impersonations for Lance’s various stuffed animals, and Lance told funny stories about a dog who was a detective.

It was fun and peaceful and it ended too soon.

At the end of the week, they packed up their bags and headed home. And just like always, Abuela and Abuelo stood on the porch and waved goodbye as they drove away. 

Lance didn’t cry at all, but god he felt like it. 

-

-

The rest of the school year passed by without too many bumps. 

Keith seemed to be alright again. Lance wasn’t sure what was so wrong before, but now Keith hung out with him more and no longer snapped at him for no reason. 

James was still a dick, but he was tolerable at least. 

Mrs. Walters gave him straight A’s, but not for nothing. Lance worked hard to impress her, and his work payed off. He was proud to show his parents his report card at the end of the year. 

Summer began, and Lance wanted to go to Toronto.

“Sorry, Lance, but that’s too much to put on Abuela right now. We’re staying here for summer this year.” 

Oh.

-

-

Fortunately for Lance, Keith actually wanted to hang out with him this summer.

They did all sorts of things. They went to Keith’s house and played baseball with Shiro at the park.

“Nice hit Lance!” Shiro exclaimed as Lance swung the bat and sent the ball way up in the air. 

Lance grinned and beamed with pride from Shiro’s praise. That was, until Keith managed to catch the ball midair.

“Nice catch Keith!” Shiro shouted, tousling his little brother’s hair. “Lance, you’re out!”

“Aw man!”

They also rode their bikes down to the bridge and got ice cream. 

“Ew. How can you stand mint chocolate chip,” Lance asked as they walked along the river, ice creams melting faster than they could eat them. 

“What do you mean?” Keith asked, shocked. “It’s so good! Have you ever even tried it?”

“Of course I have!” Lance shot back. “It tastes like toothpaste.”

Keith laughed, causing Lance to grin. 

“Better than your boring vanilla.”

“Hey!” Lance argued. “Vanilla is great. It’s a classic for a reason.”

They also went to the beach at least twice a week. 

“Keith! Just get in the water, it’s not that cold!” Lance shouted, cupping his hands around his mouth so that his voice carried all the way to where Keith was still standing with just his toes in the water.

“You’re lying to me!” Keith yelled. “It’s freezing!”

Lance rolled his eyes, bobbing in the waves as he waited for Keith. Eventually, Lance got impatient.

He swam back to shore and, after some chasing, managed to grab hold of Keith’s arm.

“No! No Lance! Please!” Keith begged for mercy through his hysterical laughter. “Stop! No! It’s too cold!”

“Stop- being... a baby!” Lance grit out as he pulled with all his might to get Keith in the water.

“Noooo!”

Lance tackled Keith into the water, both of them going down and causing the water to splash up as they went under. Keith scrambled to the surface, gasping and shivering.

“I-it’s so freaking cold Lance! I h-hate you!” Keith exclaimed, teeth chattering.

Lance just threw his head back, laughing. 

They also played board games with Lance’s family. 

“Ah fuck,” Veronica muttered. “I’m bankrupt.” 

“Veronica Emilia Liliana McClain! Watch your language!” 

Veronica stiffened like a board. “Sorry Mamá.” 

Lance and Keith snickered into their arms, stopping abruptly when Andreia sent them both stern looks. 

“Anyways,” Chrissy piped up. “Looks like I win.”

“What?!?”

“No way!”

“You cheated!”

“This game stinks!” 

They went skate boarding. They played games of grounders and manhunt with some friends. They played video games and ate watermelon that Keith’s mom cut up for them. They got sunburns and scraps and bruises and more ice cream than probably necessary. 

They celebrated Canada day and Lance’s birthday together. Lance called Abuela on his birthday, wishing her a happy birthday too. They talked for hours. Lance told her all about his summer with Keith. Abuela told him funny things Abuelo had done like farting in church and accidentally wearing his shirt backwards to work. 

“How does it feel to be thirteen?” Abuela asked him.

“Same as twelve,” Lance replied. “Just much more wise.”

“I can see that,” Abuela chuckled. 

“How does it feel to be seventy-two?” 

“Not as great as it feels to be thirteen, I’m sure,” Abuela joked. “But I am fifty-nine years wiser than you so who’s the real winner?” 

Lance giggled into the receiver.

That was a good birthday, even if Abuela wasn’t right there to celebrate it with him. 

It was a good summer, but best of all, was one particular day in mid August. 

Lance rode his bike to Keith’s house. It was cloudy and the wind had picked up. There was that distinct feeling of electricity in the air, of a sort of intense pressure that made Lance’s hair stand on end.

There was a storm coming.

Lance _loved_ thunderstorms.

He raced to Keith’s house, his heart hammering as he raced the storm, the wind whooshing past him. Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he flew down Keith’s street on his bike.

He set his bike in Keith’s open garage and pounded on the front door until Keith answered.

“Lance?” his best friend asked. “What are you doing here?”

“There’s no time to waste!” Lance insisted, pulling Keith out the door. “We have to go! Now!”

“What? Lance!” 

Lance pulled them into a run, dragging Keith to the park. There was a burst of thunder that rattled the ground. Lance grinned.

“Lance it’s gonna storm!” Keith complained. 

“I know!” Lance replied.

They made it to the park just as it started to downpour. 

Lance’s chest heaved as he looked up to the sky, letting the rain drench him from head to toe. Keith stood next to him, holding his hand still. 

“Lance, what are we doing?” Keith asked.

Lance turned to grin at him, dragging him towards the field. “We,” he said, finally dropping Keith’s hand. “Are going to run around in this storm and scream at the top of our lungs.”

And just like that- Lance was running.

“Lance!” Keith called, but Lance could hardly hear him. Lance just ran. He ran like his life depended on it. He ran and he ran, he felt the wet grass beneath his bare feet, felt the hard earth beneath him. He felt the rain drench him, felt the electric air fill him with energy and adrenaline. He felt alive, he felt invincible, he felt-

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!”

He felt _free._

Soon enough, he heard laughter behind him. He turned and started running backwards, watching as Keith chased him with a wild and ecstatic look in his eyes. 

“AAAHHH!” Lance screamed. “Come on, Keith! Scream! Scream at the top of your lungs!”

Keith laughed and shouted, “Why?!?” 

“Because it feels great!” Lance replied. “Let out everything you’ve ever felt and just _scream!”_

Lance stopped running. He stood in front of Keith, and looked to the sky. He took a deep breath.

_Abuela being sick. Not being able to see her. Keith ignoring him. James being a dickhead. The writing on the bathroom walls in grade four. Not being able to see Marco or Luis as much anymore. Feeling out of control. Missing the people he loved-_

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” 

Lance screamed, let the sound tear itself from his throat along with all the awful feelings he’d been feeling lately.

And, to Lance’s surprise-

“AAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHH!”

Keith screamed too.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!”

“AAAAAAARRRRGGG!” 

“WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!”

They both burst into laughter and collapsed into heaps on the wet grass.

And they both got colds the next day.

-

-

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favourite part of this chapter is definitely the storm scene at the end. It was just so fun to write. This is a hard story for me to write most of the time but that part just made me laugh and smile. Hope y’all enjoyed it, readers :)
> 
> And don’t forget to drop a kudos and/or comment if you did!
> 
> (Pls I need validation or I die)


	4. Grade eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grade eight is supposed to be a good year. The last year of elementary school. The last year before high school. Lance is supposed to have the most fun he possible can.
> 
> And he does.
> 
> That is, he does until his world comes crashing down around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took... longer than expected.
> 
> This was a rough chapter to write... it’s fair to say I cried a lot while writing it so prepare yourselves.
> 
> Also, some warnings:
> 
> \- death of a relative  
> \- anxiety and panic attacks  
> \- mourning  
> \- eating disorder behaviours
> 
> BUT DON’T WORRY ITS RLLY CUTE TOO I SWEAR!

Grade eight. Grade eight! Grade! Eight!

Lance was in his last year of elementary school! This was going to be the greatest year ever, by far. 

The classes were split up again because students from another school were merging with their school. The other school, High Park Public Elementary School, was being closed and the students had to be dispersed to the other schools in town. 

In other words, Lance’s class got too big so they had to split it up. Two grade eight classes. One completely grade eight and one with the grade eights mixed with the grade sevens. 

Lance and Keith both got stuck with the grade sevens. 

But hey! At least James was in the other class. Unfortunately, so was Allura. But that didn’t matter, not if he had Keith.

On the first day, the new students introduced themselves. Most of them were in the other class, but a few of them were in Lance’s.

“H-hi,” the first boy stuttered nervously. Lance found it weird he was so nervous, because the guy was huge! He was easily the tallest and strongest in the class, but he still seemed so anxious. “My name is Hunk Garret. I’m in grade eight… umm… yeah.” 

Hunk sat down. Lance grinned at him. He already liked Hunk, he decided. 

Next, a smaller boy with round glasses stood up. He seemed way more outgoing than that Hunk kid, with a wide grin and an almost obnoxious amount of confidence. “I’m Matthew Holt! Your resident class clown. I’m in grade eight and yes, I am willing to write your essays for you, my fee is-“ 

“Alright, Matthew, I think that’s plenty of an introduction,” their teacher, Mme. Morin chuckled. Lance also liked her already. Like a lot. She was wearing a skirt with cupcakes on it on the first day of school. She seemed like his kind of teacher. “Next please.”

She was addressing the girl who looked suspiciously like Matthew- 

“Hello, my name’s Katie Holt. I’m in grade seven and yes, I’m that weirdo’s younger sister.” 

-oh. That would be why.

“Hey!” Matthew complained.

Mme. Morin sighed. “Oh great. Siblings. In one class. This will be fun.” 

The class laughed at her sarcasm. 

“I’m joking,” she replied with a smile. “I’m sure this will be a great class. After all, you have me as your teacher.” 

They got right to work on the first day. Mme. Morin was from Quebec so she spoke with an accent as was especially tough with French, which was no matter for Lance since he was a whiz at language. 

At recess, Lance walked up to the three new kids in their class, dragging Keith along as he did. 

“Hey!” he addressed their little group. “I’m Lance and this is Keith! Hope you like our school so far.”

Matthew grinned at them. “Yeah, it’s pretty cool. You guys have a really awesome yard. Ours was just a concrete slab.” 

“Yeah, it’s pretty great. The forest is great for playing manhunt,” Lance replied happily.

“Manhunt? Oh sweet! We should play!” 

“We probably don’t have enough people,” Keith interjected. Lance frowned at him.

“Don’t mind him,” Lance explained to the confused faces, patting Keith on the shoulder sympathetically. “He’s a bit of a gloomer sometimes.”

“Am not!”

“Shush, Keith.” Lance chastised. “Though, he’s probably right. We could play something else if you guys want?” 

The big guy- Hunk- smiled shyly. “Um, we could maybe play hide and seek?” 

Katie’s eyes lit up. “Hunk, you are a genius.”

Lance grinned. “I second that. Hide and seek rocks! I vote Keith it!”

“Hey!” Keith snapped. 

“Too late!” Lance teased. “You snooze you lose! Everybody run and hide!”

They all did, and Keith was forced to be it. 

-

Lance soon came to realize that those three buffoons were the best people _ever._

Hunk was so nice, like, almost too nice. It would probably seem fake if he wasn’t the most sincere and kind person Lance had ever met. Lance instantly fell in love with him. 

Katie, or Pidge, as they all soon learned to call her, was a menace. She was brilliant, like her brother, but she was also hilarious and cunning- almost evil. Lance would advise anyone who didn’t know her, to not underestimate her. She may be small, but it was obvious she was a mad genius and she wasn’t against using her powers for evil. 

Her brother, Matt, on the other hand, was just a straight up goofball. His brand of humour fit perfectly with Lance’s, and they both got each other riled up pretty easily. 

“Lance, Matt, settle down please.”

Which also wound them up in trouble sometimes. 

Still, Lance never knew someone to be so funny, or someone to be so insanely smart and hilarious, or someone to be so kind and supportive.

It was fair to say that Lance had just found his people. 

No more fake friends. 

The thought was so nice that it kept Lance up at night sometimes. Kept him up and just smiling at his ceiling as he thought about the great day he’d had at school with his friends.

It felt like such a strange relief. Lance was more than happy to welcome it.

-

With James in the other class, Keith spent less and less time with him and more and more time with Lance. And by the end of October it was almost like who even was James?

Well, at least that’s what Lance liked to think.

James and Keith were still pretty good friends, as it turned out. They hung out outside of school and at recess occasionally, but Lance could deal with that. It’s not like he needed to be Keith’s _only_ friend... just... his only best friend. 

“Hey, what are your guys’ plans for Halloween?” Matt asked during lunch on Wednesday. “Cause I was thinking, since it’s on a Saturday this year, we could go trick or treating and then have a scary movie marathon!”

“Aw dude that’s like the best idea you’ve had since that time you pranked dad,” Pidge snickered.

“Yeah,” Matt agreed, looking a little grim. “Except when he grounded me for two weeks afterwards.”

“That was the best part!” Pidge cackled. Matt punched her in the arm and she yelped. “Ow!” 

“Anyways, who’s in?” Matt asked the group excitedly.

“Uh... I don’t know... scary movies are a little... scary...” Hunk said nervously.

Lance wanted to agree with him. Scary movies were the worst! But he also wanted to look cool...

“I’m in!” Lance declared, giving Matt a wicked grin. “Keith and I always spend Halloween together so he’s coming too!”

“Why do you just assume I don’t have any other plans?” Keith asks, an unhappy frown on his face.

Lance turned to him with a cocked eyebrow. “Do you?”

Keith pursed his lips and looked down. “No... but that wasn’t my point.”

“Well, do you _want_ to go to Matt’s house and have a super fun sleepover during Halloween or....?” Lance asked exasperatedly.

Keith gave him his worst glare. 

“That means yes!” Lance rejoiced. He turned to all the confused faces of his friend group and explained. “Don’t worry, I’m fluent in ‘Keith’ and that look means, ‘Lance, I’m very annoyed with you but you have a point’.”

The friends laughed as Keith grumbled to himself.

“Ok!” Matt exclaimed excitedly. “So, my house, 8:00. Costumes, pyjamas, snacks, and scary movies!” 

-

Trick or treating with the Holt siblings was an experience to say the least.

They made it into a competition, starting at opposite ends of the neighbourhood. Whoever got the most candy by the end of the night won. Lance joined Matt’s team while Keith and Hunk were on Pidge’s. Some people might say Lance and Matt had the disadvantage because they were down a man, but those people obviously weren’t familiar with Matt and/or Lance.

Because those two destroyed that neighbourhood in record time.

“We won! We won!” They exclaimed as they bounced around the basement ecstatically, high-fiving each other. 

“Literally _how_ is that even possible?” Pidge complained. “I even ran ahead of these two slowpokes just so I could win!”

She jammed her thumb at a guilty-looking Hunk and a passive-but-slightly-agitated Keith. 

“Looks like Lance and I are just the better trick or treaters,” Matt boasted, swinging an arm around Lance’s shoulders. 

Lance grinned widely. This had already been the best night of his life and it was far from over.

Mrs. Holt ordered them pizza and they spent the next few hours gaming in Matt and Pidge’s basement. They played with their dog and ate way too much candy. Then, when they were all hyped up from the sugar, they blasted _Mr. Brightside_ and danced around the room while screaming the lyrics.

“JEALOUSY! TURNING SAINTS INTOOOO THE SEA!”

Lance pulled a reluctant Keith into his arms and danced around the basement floor, spinning them around and around.

“BUT IT’S JUST THE PRICE I PAY! DESTINY IS CALLING ME!”

Keith rolled his eyes but he was smiling wide as he grabbed Lance’s hands and jumped up and down, screaming right along with them.

“OPEN UP MY EAGER EYEEEES! CAUSE I’M MISTER BRIGHTSIDE!” 

They put on a movie around ten o’clock, but it wasn’t a scary one, because Hunk almost started crying at the prospect. Lance pretended to be disappointed with the rest of them, but he was so relieved that Hunk had the courage to voice what a coward he was. 

They settled in their sleeping bags and watched as the Transformers battled the Decepticons on screen. About halfway through the movie, Hunk was out like a light and snoring softly.

Matt reached for the remote and paused the movie.

“Ok guys, he’s asleep now. Who wants to watch Paranormal Activity?” Matt asked in a hushed, excited voice.

“Ohhhh that’s a good one!” Pidge answered excitedly.

Lance’s heart was already doing backflips. No no no no no, he did _not_ want to watch that. Absolutely not, no.

But... what if Matt and Pidge stopped wanting to be his friend if he didn’t? Well, they still wanted to be Hunk’s friend and he didn’t want to watch a scary movie... but Hunk was _Hunk!_ Lance was just Lance and surely they wouldn’t want to keep him around if he was no fun anymore.

“Yeah! Let’s do it,” Lance said, trying to keep the wobble out of his voice.

Keith turned to him with a frown. “Are you sure Lance? I thought you didn’t like horror movies?”

“Whaaaat? Of course I like them! I love them!” Lance grovelled, giggling nervously.

Keith raised a skeptical eyebrow. “But, remember last year? At my house, you-“

“I dunno what you’re talking about! Scary movies are the _best!”_ Lance turned to Matt. “Play it!” 

Matt grinned at him devilishly. “I knew you were my kind of person, Lance!”

Lance felt the compliment strike his core. That felt... good. Lance smiled. Well, even if the movie was completely horrifying, it will be worth it to have his friend smile at him like that. Like he enjoyed Lance’s company _specifically._

-

Ok ok okokokokokokok.

So.

It was _not_ worth it. Not at _all!_

This movie was beyond horrifying. It was traumatizing. Lance kept his eyes closed for most of it but even that wasn’t enough! The sounds alone were making him want to sob!

Halfway through, Keith realized his predicament and shifted closer. Then, another ten minutes later, Keith reached out for his hand.

Lance gripped it for dear life, and he didn’t let go until the movie was over and it was time for bed.

Lance already knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, but as it turned out, it was easier than he thought.

But that was all due to the jokes Matt kept making about the movie.

“Oh man! That one jump scene was so scary I pooped my pants!”

Lance giggled.

“I need to change my underwear! Mooooom! I pooped my pants again!” 

Lance was practically in hysterics. 

“Aw man!” Pidge chimed in. “You’re thirteen Matthew! You need to stop pooping your pants or you’ll never get a girlfriend!” 

“Yeah,” Lance joined in, trying not to laugh so hard so he could actually speak. “Pretty sure girls don’t like guys who poo their pants.” 

“And what makes you say that?” Matt challenged goofily. “Are you an expert on girls? Huh?”

“Well.... not _exactly...”_

“Have you ever had a girlfriend Lance?” Matt teased.

“I-“ Lance bristled, but then Keith was interrupting him.

“Nope. He hasn’t. But he’s had this pathetic crush on Allura since grade four,” Keith snickered.

“Wha- hey! Keith!” Lance smacked him with his pillow but that didn’t stop Keith’s laughter or Matt’s poking and prying.

“Allura, huh?” Matt teased. “Yeah, she is like SUPER pretty, huh? But...”

Matt trailed off, and Lance couldn’t help but be intrigued. He sat up in his sleeping bag. “But what?”

“Well, isn’t she dating that James kid?”

And just like that, Lance’s heart shattered.

“What? Is she?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Saw them holding hands on the bench at recess the other day.”

Lance’s heart pummelled to the ground, breaking into a million tiny pieces. 

“Oh...”

“Yeah, sorry dude,” Matt said, sounding genuinely sympathetic.

“It’s ok,” Lance said with a smile, laughing the whole thing off. “I was kind of over her anyway.”

There was a long, stiff silence and Lance felt incredibly guilty. He’d just gone and ruined the mood, hadn’t he? Surely they would stop being his friends now. 

“Well, I have good news for you then, Lance,” Pidge piped up suddenly, voice quiet.

“What?” Lance asked.

“I heard from Nadia that that blonde girl, Romelle, has a crush on you.” 

Lance blinked in surprise. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Pidge nodded, although it couldn’t really be seen in the darkness of the basement. “She told me not to tell you but... eh. I love spreading gossip. I thrive in chaos.” 

Lance recognized Pidge’s malicious snicker, but he didn’t process it. His brain was in over-drive trying to take in the new information.

Allura was dating James and Romelle had a crush on him.

Huh.

Well, at least now he wouldn’t be up all night because he was too scared to sleep. Because now he would be up all night thinking about _this._

Lance sighed. _Goodbye, sleep,_ he thought dejectedly. _I hardly knew you._

-

Lance’s life hardly changed after that night, even though he’d expected it to.

He did realize later that week that Allura and James were in fact dating.

They walked around the school yard hand-in-hand and made goo-goo eyes at each other across the hallway and kissed each other goodbye... sometimes on the lips! 

It made Lance scowl and squirm with distaste. But, it was alright. As long as he didn’t think about it too hard.

As for Romelle, well that hardly changed either. Lance had never been crushed on before, at least that he knew of. He thought it would make him happy, set his insides on fire... something! But no. Lance felt nothing.

If anything, he felt a little creeped out. Sometimes, he could feel Romelle staring at him so intensely it set his hairs on end. And sometimes, at recess, she would just hang around their friend group with Nadia, the two girls giggling as Nadia tried to push her into Lance.

Lance thought he would love this. Finally, someone had shown interest in him! A girl liked him for god sakes! He should at least be _flattered._

But he wasn’t. Lance didn’t like Romelle back. It was simple as that. 

He should just move on and forget this whole ‘love life’ thing. Be more like Keith who didn’t care about girls at all.

But even _Keith_ seemed upset about Allura and James dating. He told Lance that it was because James had forgotten all about him because he was too busy being gross with Allura, but Lance couldn’t help but wonder if Keith was just jealous too. 

(Lance found out many years later that, yes, Keith _was_ jealous of James and Allura... but not because he wanted to date _Allura_ himself...) 

-

-

-

Life was going alright when December rolled around.

There was snow on the ground and Christmas in the air, and Lance was looking forward to the break and to visiting Toronto during the Christmas season that year.

They’d decided as a family to pack up and spend Christmas at Abuela’s, instead of making her drive all the three hours to them. It would mean a very full house, especially given the size of the tiny house and the fact that both Luis and Marco were coming back from college and university respectively. But Lance didn’t care. He didn’t care if he had to share a room with one sibling, two siblings, or even all four of his siblings, because he was going to spend Christmas in _Toronto_ with his Abuela. 

The anticipation was eating him alive. 

On the last day of school before the holidays, they watched _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_ and ate sweets. Then, the next day, the were on the highway, speeding towards the big city Lance held so dearly in his heart.

They arrived in the small, familiar driveway of the small, familiar house. There was snow everywhere and the park across the street was completely empty, all the kids opting to stay home and away from the cold it seemed. 

Lance was out of the car before anyone, pulling his suitcase along as he ran up the front steps, banging an excited fist against the door.

The door opened and his Abuelo smiled down on him with that familiar glint in his eyes.

Lance grinned so wide it hurt his cheeks.

“Lance! How did you get there? Did you fly over by yourself?” Abuelo joked, throwing his hands up. 

Lance snickered. “No, Abuelo! We all came for Christmas, remember?”

“Huh,” Abuelo scratched his head, feigning confusion. “Must have slipped my mind!”

“Is that my grandson I hear?”

Lance’s heart leapt into his throat. “Abuela!” 

Abuelo finally stepped aside and let Lance in, taking his suitcase from him. Lance kicked off his shoes in his hurry and ran into the kitchen. Abuela was there, smiling as she stepped away from the stove. 

“Lance! There you are, I was wondering what was taking so long,” she said as she moved slowly and shakily, her hands gripping the counter and then the back of a chair for support.

Lance stopped, hesitated for a moment, before shaking it off and embracing his grandma tightly. She reached up and stroked his hair, kissing his cheek.

“I’m making garlic knots for dinner,” she whispered in his ear, and Lance grinned up at her. 

“I missed you so much.” 

-

Christmas in Toronto was much different from Christmas in Lance’s hometown.

For starters, it was even busier than usual, and it was always so busy in Toronto! But Toronto during Christmas was a whole other story. They went shopping and the stores were so packed Lance almost lost sight of his mama and papa a few times. The streets were thick with traffic, and it took twice as long to get from place to place as it normally would have. There were crowds of people everywhere, it was almost overwhelming, but Lance _loved_ it.

They went downtown to the Eaton Centre one day and Lance was mesmerized by the huge decorations. The giant, crystallized reindeer hanging from the ceiling, and the huge Christmas tree that lit up the middle of the mall. There was Christmas music playing everywhere, and Lance felt the buzz of excitement and magic underneath his skin.

They also went ice skating in Nathan Phillips Square, and Lance had so much fun teasing Chrissy as her legs shook beneath her (not like Lance was doing much better at staying on his feet, anyway, as Chrissy liked to point out). 

Back at home they decorated a small, fake Christmas tree, the only one Abuela and Abuelo has in their basement, but it was still fun. Abuelo played Christmas tunes on the piano as Lance and his siblings hung decoration after decoration on the tree. 

They baked Christmas cookies and pumpkin pie. They played card games and scrabble. They watched Christmas movies and built a snowman in the front yard. 

Lance felt warm and safe and happy. 

On Christmas Eve, they sat down to a feast that Maria and Andreia had spent all day preparing, pulling in Lance and his siblings periodically throughout the day to help. 

“Shall we pray?” Abuelo asked as he opened a palm to Abuela on his right and Lance’s mama on his left. 

They all took hands and bowed their heads. 

_“Bendícenos, Señor, y bendice estos alimentos que por tu misericordia vamos a tomar. Dales pan a los que tienen hambre, y danos hambre de ti a los que tenemos pan.”_

They ate, and they talked happily, and they laughed, and they shared, and Lance had never had a better Christmas dinner. 

Later, they sat in the living room as Abuelo played piano for them. Lance sat beside Abuela, his head resting on her shoulder.

“Tell me about school, mijo,” she asked. “How are your friends.”

Lance smiled. “Good. I’m friends with this guy named Matt who’s really funny, and his sister Pidge, too. And my friend Hunk is the nicest person ever.”

“Good, good,” Abuela smiled and patted his thigh. “And what about that boy, Keith?”

Lance went to answer, to say Keith was good, but for some reason something stopped him. He couldn’t say things were good with Keith, even though they were. They _were._ Weren’t they?

“Keith is...” Lance struggled, “still Keith.” 

“Are you two not getting along anymore?” Abuela asked, clearly shocked. “You used to be so close. He was all you talked about.”

Lance shrugged. “I mean, we’re still friends. We’re just...”

_Not as close as we used to be._

When Lance failed to finish that sentence, Abuela spoke for him. “It’s alright, mijo. People drift apart sometimes. It has nothing to do with you.”

 _But I don’t want to drift apart from Keith. I want to be with him all the time. I miss him_.

Lance just nodded in agreement. 

-

Christmas was magical.

They woke up early and raced downstairs to open presents. Mamá made pancakes and they all enjoyed the peaceful morning. Then, they all gathered into two separate cars and drove to church. 

The church was so packed that Lance’s family couldn’t even get seats. The stood at the back, listening to the priest and singing along to the hymns and the psalms. 

After church, they had a nice big feast for lunch that consisted entirely of the leftovers from dinner on Christmas Eve. The rest of the day was spent playing games and sitting by the fire drinking hot chocolate.

Abuela smiled upon her family surrounding her. And in that moment, everything was perfect.

-

-

-

Back at school, everything was fine for awhile. Lance did his homework and assignments. He presented his history project in front of the class and he didn’t even stutter once. He hung out with friends on weekends and argued with his sisters.

Everything was pretty normal. 

But, then again...

“Kids! Can you come to the family room for a minute?” 

... not everything lasts forever.

Lance joined his sisters and parents in the family room, plopping down on the couch. He wasn’t sure what this was about, but the worried look and teary eyes on his mama’s face weren’t reassuring.

“We... we have some bad news,” Mamá whispered. The children held their breaths, waiting on the edge of their seats.

Papi wrapped his arm around his wife and held her close. Then, he took over the conversation.

“You know how Abuela has been sick for awhile now?” he started, sounding grim but like he was trying to ease them into it.

Lance nodded, his inside twisting and knotting anxiously.

“Well, the doctors performed many tests on her and...” 

Papi took a long, steadying breath. 

“They found cancer in her brain.”

Lance felt himself freeze. Everything around him ground to a halt. The room was silent, and Lance was frozen.

“There’s not much they can do about it...” Papi continued, but Lance didn’t want to hear any more. He knew what this meant, but he didn’t want to hear it. “They say she has about four months left.”

_Four months...._

_Four months...._

_Four months._

_That’s... not... real... that can’t be real..._

“It’s ok, kids,” Mamá whispered suddenly, drawing Lance out of his downward spiral. “It’s ok to cry about this. It’s sad.”

And that’s all it took for Lance, Chrissy, and Veronica to burst into tears. They all ran to their parents and settled in their arms. Andreia didn’t hesitate to wrap them all up, tears streaming down her face as well. It we her mother, after all. Her mother was going to die in four months. 

They all hugged until they calmed down together.

“I’m going to Toronto,” said Mamá. “I’m going to stay with Abuelo and I’m going to help take care of Abuela in the hospital. You three will be on your own with Papi. I want you to help him out, ok? So no backtalk and no arguing. We need to be there for each other right now. Family is everything.”

Andreia’s children nodded silently, all of them still sniffling and choking on sobs.

 _Family is everything..._ Lance thought. _And I’m about to lose Abuela..._

-

-

Everything sucked after that.

Lance was in a constant state of fear. Fear for Abuela, fear for himself, fear of losing people, even people who weren’t sick. Fear of his friends leaving him. Fear of people judging him. Fear of failing. Fear of the unknown. 

He tried to be ok. He smiled and laughed at Matt’s jokes, but it felt forced, and fake. He pretended not to care when Keith blew him off again, but he felt himself cracking inside each time it happened. He pretended like he wasn’t exhausted all the time, but he still fell asleep in class a couple of times. He pretended like he was eating normally, but he secretly threw out his lunch every day and skipped breakfast and sometimes dinner, claiming to be feeling sick.

Which he was.

He always felt sick. Sick to his stomach, like he was going to throw up at any second. How could he eat if he felt like this constantly?

He also felt sick like he had the chills. His muscles felt weak and heavy and his limbs shook uncontrollably sometimes. One day, they were in the library and Mme. Morin noticed how hard he was shaking.

“Lance, are you sick? Is something wrong?” she asked, pulling him aside.

Lance shook his head and tried to calm his quivering body down, but even his teeth were clacking together!

“Are you cold? You’re shaking like a leaf!” 

Mme. Morin was obviously concerned, but Lance clenched his jaw and forced a smile.

“Yeah, guess I’m a little ch-chilly.”

 _Wow._ He couldn’t even keep his voice from shaking. Was he losing it?

“Go run back to the classroom and get your coat then,” Mme. Morin suggested, a warm smile on her face. She rubbed Lance’s back and somehow, it soothed his chills for a moment.

He nodded and ran to fetch his coat.

He wore his coat indoors quite often after that.

Not only did it help keep him from shaking, but it also hid his body from the world. Lance was starting to hate his body and how he looked. He was losing weight and it was noticeable, but he just couldn’t bring himself to eat. He didn’t want anybody noticing, though, so he hid from the world in his winter coat. 

But... it was going to be ok... it was going to all be ok... right?

Except, Lance sometimes felt himself lose complete control. It happened at night, when he was all alone in his room. The first time it happened, he was looking at himself in the mirror, poking at his jutting ribs and collar bones, grimacing in disgust. That’s when his brain said, _you’re so ugly. You can’t even control yourself anymore. Look at you. No one’s ever going to love you._

And just like that, Lance’s vision blacked out. The next thing he knew, he was on his bedroom floor, curled up on his shins, breathing heavily with tears running down his face. 

And he was shaking.

He was always shaking. 

And Lance started to doubt if it would all be ok after all...

-

The spring dance came around again, but it wasn’t as fun as the first time. Maybe it was because he was too preoccupied thinking about Abuela. Or maybe it was because he was so worried about what he looked like. He couldn’t wear his coat to the dance, it was too warm in the gym. Instead, he wore a large Hawaiian button-up his dad had let him borrow. It did the trick but Lance was afraid he looked stupid. 

His friends and him danced and laughed together, and it was starting to feel alright. Matt was the worst dancer he’d ever seen and it was hilarious to watch him. Hunk lifted Pidge in the air and spun her. Keith refused to dance, but this year Lance didn’t have to energy to encourage him. Lance barely had the energy to dance himself.

Then, a slow song came on and Romelle asked him to dance.

It was even more awkward than the first time, because this time Lance knew that she liked him and he didn’t feel the same. But he danced with her anyways, and smiled at her when the song was over. Then, he rejoined his friends.

“Hey Lance,” Matt waggled his eyebrows. “How’s Romelle doing.”

Lance shrugged. “I dunno. Fine, I guess.”

“You don’t like her?” Hunk asked, a little confused.

Lance shook his head. “Not really.”

“But she’s cute!” Matt insisted. “And blonde, and she has a crush on you!”

Lance just shrugged again.

Keith seemed to notice something because he took Lance by the hand. “Lance, come get some popcorn with me.” 

Lance shrugged and quietly went with Keith to the bake sale table.

“Ok, what’s wrong?” Keith asked pointedly.

“Nothing,” Lance muttered. Keith gave him a look and Lance winced. Ok, so he wasn’t great at hiding his bad mood, but he still wouldn’t answer, or look at Keith. 

Keith sighed. “You love parties and dances. Why aren’t you more happy?”

_Why am I not happy? I should be happy. Why can’t I be happy anymore?_

Lance shrugged, but didn’t answer. He couldn’t, anyways. His throat was sore and raw and heat burned behind his eyes.

 _Oh God. Don’t cry_.

But Keith noticed. Keith noticed everything about Lance. It was scary how perceptive he was sometimes.

“Come on,” Keith muttered, taking Lance’s hand and leading him out of the gym. They walked quietly down the hall, all the way to the bathroom where Keith closed the door behind them. 

Lance stood by the sinks and fidgeted uncomfortably. He didn’t know what to say or do.

Keith just sat against the wall and gestured for Lance to join him. Lance dragged his feet over and slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting beside Keith, their sides pressed against each other.

Keith took a deep breath. “I’ve noticed that you really haven’t been yourself lately,” he started quietly. Lance just swallowed guiltily. “I didn’t want to say anything because I wasn’t sure you wanted to talk about it, but I’m kinda worried about you.”

They fell into silence again, and Lance’s mind was racing. He wanted to say something, he wanted to tell Keith _everything._ His Abuela sick in the hospital. His inability to sleep, eat, be happy. The scary moments in his room at night when he loses control and any sense of himself. 

But his mouth was sealed shut, and the more he tried to speak the more his mind fought against him.

_Keith won’t understand. Keith will make fun of you. He’ll stop being your friend. He’ll get annoyed with you. He’ll get tired of you._

“You’re shaking,” Keith breathed. 

Keith placed a soft hand on Lance’s knee, and Lance gasped. He looked up and saw Keith’s worried eyes, and then something snapped and everything started pouring out of him.

Lance burst into tears and started tripping over his words. “M-my grandma ha-has can-cancer! She’s gon- gonna _die!”_

Lance covered his face as he cried, hating himself for not having more control. But, how could he? It was all too much. Everything was building up in him and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. 

Keith didn’t really know what to do. Lance could tell by the way he was hesitating. So, Lance turned and hid his face in his best friend’s shoulder. Keith responded by wrapping an arm around Lance’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” Keith whispered. 

Lance wanted to say it was ok, but he couldn’t bring himself to, because it wasn’t.

It wasn’t ok. 

Lance and Keith spent the rest of the dance in the bathroom, talking about Lance’s grandma and Kosmo and feeling shitty. 

“It’s really shitty.”

Lance barked a wet laugh. “I’ve never heard you swear before,” he giggled. 

Keith shrugged. “I swear all the time.”

Lance raised an eyebrow at him, and Keith grinned.

“Well, in my head.”

Lance burst into laughter and Keith chuckled along with him. They both fell quiet again after that. The space being filled only by Keith’s quiet breaths and Lance’s sniffles.

“Thanks Keith,” he whispered eventually.

“Of course,” Keith whispered back. “What are best friends for?”

-

Things were actually better after that. Venting to someone had felt better than Lance had been expecting. He felt lighter, and he had more energy. He could breathe a little easier now.

And Keith let him talk if he needed to. He didn’t do it often, but sometimes he would call Keith at night when he felt himself starting to slip into that scary mind space where he lost himself. He wouldn’t tell Keith what was bothering him, but he would talk and Keith would listen.

So, it was better. 

-

-

It was May when Papi took them to Toronto for the weekend.

They slept in Abuelo’s house, but Abuelo wasn’t even there. He was at the hospital with Abuela and Mamá. 

Then, the next day they all visited the hospital. 

Lance tried breathing normally as they rode the elevator up. The music was upbeat in the elevator, and the hallways were too white and sterile. Lance hated it. 

When they made it to the room, Lance and his siblings got a talk about what they would see, and to not be afraid. But Lance was afraid.

Sure enough, Abuela was there. In the bed... attached to tubes and wires and machines... and... she looked so small... and her face was so pale and sullen and...

That was _not_ Abuela. That was _not_ Lance’s grandma. 

Lance forced himself to move. 

There was a fuzziness in his head.

“Hello, mijos,” Lance’s mama gave them all hugs. “Mami, Lance, Chrissy, and Veronica are here. Look.”

Abuela didn’t respond. She was staring forward, unseeing.

_This was not Abuela this was not Abuela this was not Abuela this wasn’t **her.**_

“Mami, look. Lance is here.”

Andreia took her youngest son by his hand and pulled him towards the bed. Lance went forward on shaky legs. 

“It’s ok, Lance,” Andreia whispered. “Say hello. It’s just Abuela.”

Lance stared at the old woman in the bed. She was still and unresponsive. She wasn’t his Abuela. 

Lance took a deep breath. 

“Hi Abuela,” he whispered, placing a soft hand on her shoulder. She didn’t react. Lance rubbed soft circles into the soft material of her sweater. 

_It’s ok Abuela_ , Lance thought, tears gathering in his eyes. _I’m here now._

Lance’s hand travelled down her arm and he took her hand in his. That, at least, was familiar. The same rough, wrinkled, warm, boney hand he held at night when he couldn’t sleep. 

Lance felt his mom’s hand on his shoulder. 

“She’s on a lot of medication and the cancer is affecting her behaviour, but she knows who you are,” Andreia whispered to her little boy. “I told her this morning you were coming and she was happy.”

Lance nodded. He couldn’t speak. If he tried, he would burst into tears. And he didn’t want to cry. He wanted to be strong for Abuela. 

People talked around him. Mamá asked how things were at home. Veronica talked to Abuelo. The ate croissants that Papi had bought. Lance didn’t have one.

He stood by Abuela’s side the entire time. He held her hand the entire time. He shook his head when offered a chair. He refused to move. 

Abuela squeezed his hand back, but her eyes were unfocused, and when she did look at him, it was like she didn’t even recognize him.

Lance’s heart was breaking, piece by piece. 

“Ok, children, it’s time to go. Abuela needs rest.”

Lance was pulled away, and he had to let go of her hand.

“Say bye to Abuela.”

But Lance didn’t. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t say goodbye.

He didn’t say goodbye.

He didn’t say goodbye.

  
-

  
May 31st. 

2015.

Lance was curled up on the sofa in the living room. Chrissy sat beside him, there was a bowl of popcorn nestled between them. Veronica sat on the recliner next to the sofa. They were all watching _Friends,_ Veronica’s favourite TV show. 

Lance laughed as the characters all fought, the one named Ross trying to usher them out of the apartment in time. To be honest, Lance wasn’t really sure what was going on in the episode, just that it was hilarious when the Joey guy came out wearing all of Chandler’s clothes at once. 

_“-if I wasn’t going COMMANDO!”_

Lance and Chrissy burst out laughing as they reached for more popcorn.

Lance held it in his hand, eating it kernel by kernel, giggling as something funny happened on screen.

Then, Papi walked into the room.

“Veronica, do you mind turning the volume down for a minute?” Papi asked.

Lance turned to look, to wonder why he was interrupting their show. His hand froze half way to his mouth with a piece of popcorn when he saw his father.

He was staring at them all with a harrowed and regretful look in his eyes, like he really didn’t want to say what he was about to say. He looked... so sad. 

Papi never looked like that.

Something was wrong. 

Lance’s heart kickstarted, beating fast as an icy feeling crawled up his arms. Papi sighed as he stepped closer, his shoulders slouching as he resigned. 

“I’m really sorry to have to tell you kids this,” he started, and Lance had never heard his Papi sound like that before. It sent chills up his spine. Bad chills.

“I just got off the phone with Mamá...”

Mamá was in Toronto. Mamá was at the hospital. Mamá was with Abuela.

_No no no_

“I’m sorry but-“ Papi’s voice broke.

_No no no no no_

_Lance was holding on to every shred of denial._

_Please no_.

“Abuela died about an hour ago.”

_but... that’s not right. That’s not true. That can’t be true!_

_No_.

Chrissy burst into tears. Papi went to hold her.

_No._

Veronica started too, sobbing as she got up off the chair and ran into her Papi’s outstretched arms.

_No. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening. It’s a dream it’s-_

_“Abuela died about an hour ago.”_

The words echoed around his head.

“ _Abuela died about an- Abuela died- hour ago- Abuela died- I’m sorry to tell you this- Abuela died- ABUELA DIED-”_

Lance’s breath hitched.

No, that wasn’t right. His breath didn’t hitch. He wasn’t breathing at all.

He was frozen. The piece of popcorn still held up to his mouth.

“Lance?” his Papi asked, reaching out a hand to him. “Are you ok, mijo?”

The popcorn fell from his hand, and just like that, Lance’s world crashed down before him.

Abuela was gone. Abuela was dead.

Lance screamed as the sobs took over, tearing at his throat. Tears flooded his vision, and he squeezed his eyes shut. Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain- was all he recognized.

His heart was hurting so badly Lance thought it was actually breaking. His chest heaved, throbbing with pain. It felt like he was being crushed. There was an enormous pressure pressing in at all ends. 

Make it stop make it stop make it stop stop stop stop stop- 

Abuela Abuela Abuela-

 _I want my Abuela I need my Abuela I want my Abuela back_ -

Lance’s sobs turned choked, his breathing turned hysterical. 

_I want her back- **BRING HER BACK-**_

His world was falling, crumbling to pieces. He didn’t even notice three pairs of arms pulling him in. 

May 31st. 

2015.

Went down as one of the worst days in Lance’s life.

-

-

-

They headed to Toronto the very next day.

Lance slept through the whole car ride. He hadn’t slept at all at night. After about two hours of Zoilo holding his children and calming them down, Lance Chrissy and Veronica trudged upstairs to get ready for bed. 

They never finished that episode of _Friends._ Or the popcorn. 

Lance was exhausted from crying for hours straight, but he didn’t sleep at all. He held his stuffed animals to his chest and sobbed into his pillow. Every time he managed to calm down, he would think of Abuela and it would start all over again.

It was the most intense pain Lance had ever felt. It felt like he was dying. Like he was being crushed. It felt like he was suffocating. 

Lance curled up in a ball, squeezing the life out of his stuffed animals like it would somehow give him comfort. Like they could somehow heal his broken heart if he held them tight enough to his chest. Like they could somehow bring back the feeling of one of Abuela’s _hugs-_

Lance sobbed and cried and wailed, stuffing his face into his pillow so he wouldn’t wake anyone up. 

_Abuela. Abuela was gone._

-

They arrived at the house. Mami and Abuelo were waiting for them. 

Hugs and more tears. 

Lance cried for another hour in his mother’s arms, and then again in his grandpa’s arms. 

-

Lance felt like he was in a dream. 

His head felt all fuzzy, and he felt like he was floating as he climbed the stairs in the old, creaky house. The old creaky house that always seemed like home, especially when Abuela was there to fill it with her warmth. 

Lance found himself in her room.

Distantly, he knew this was a bad idea, but the fuzziness was taking over and there was a ringing in Lance’s ears that made it hard for him to listen to reason. So, he walked in, slowly, like he was floating in a dream.

He sat on the bed. On her end of the bed. He placed a delicate hand on the pile of stacked up pillows. Abuela liked to sleep with lots of pillows. 

His eyes moved down to the small radio. The one Abuela used to play his ocean sounds on to help him fall asleep at night. Lance remembered her having to flip the tape over and play it again on the nights when it took him hours to fall asleep. He remembered how she used to hold his hand at night. He remembered how safe and loved she used to make him feel.

A couple tears fell from his eyes. 

Lance moved his eyes to the bookcase. Then, still moving like he was in a dream, Lance got up from the bed and plopped himself down on the floor. He skated his hand across the spines of all the old books. Then, he paused on one in particular.

 _Oh, the Places You’ll Go!_ by Doctor Seuss. 

That was Lance’s favourite. Abuela used to read it to him every night. 

He pulled it out and flipped it open.

_Congratulations!_

Lance’s heart stuttered. He could practically hear her voice reading it. 

“ _Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places! You’re off and away!_ ”

Abuela always read it with such enthusiasm. Her voice was calming and reassuring and encouraging all at once.

Lance flipped the page. 

_“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.”_

Lance saw the next words and gulped.

“ _You’re on your own_.“

That’s what the words said. That was what the book said. _You’re on your own._

Abuela was gone. He was on his own. 

Lance snapped the book shut and hugged it to his chest, keening over as sobs wracked through him. 

_Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain-_

“Lance?”

Lance looked up, shocked, spooked almost, to see his Abuelo standing in the doorway. He didn’t look mad, but Lance felt like he was in trouble anyways.

“S-s-sorry.” Lance couldn’t even get the word out, and he was breathing too hard again. 

Abuelo sighed and reached down to pull his grandson up, leading him to the window ledge. 

“Have a seat,” he said as he sat down on the end of the bed, patting the spot next to him for Lance. Lance obeyed and say without a word.

“You see that park across the street?” Abuelo asked.

Lance nodded. Of course he did. That was the park him and his siblings used to play at all the time when they were younger. 

“Well, every afternoon the kids from the block will gather there and play. Your Abuela and I would watch from the porch, waving at them if they came by us. They were so sweet, and it made us happy to watch them have fun. It made us think of you kids.”

Abuelo turned to his grandson then, a sad smile on his face.

“You know, you and your brothers and sisters mean the world to your Abuela and I. We could never wait to see you. You gave us such joy and love and happiness.” 

Lance felt tears falling again. Abuelo rested a hand on his shoulder. 

“We love all of you so much. But you, Lance,” his grandpa leaned in, whispering conspiratorially. “You were her favourite.”

Lance’s eyes went wide. “I was?” he asked hoarsely. 

Abuelo grinned and nodded. “Mhm. She loved you more than anything, more than even me, I’m sure. You and her shared everything, even a birthday. She wanted to give you the whole world, and it killed her when she was sick and you couldn’t visit as often anymore.”

Lance’s eyes turned down towards the park. It was a beautifully sunny day, and the kids were all running around and playing. Lance knew this was what his Abuelo meant by watching the kids play, earlier. 

“I miss her,” Lance whispered.

“Me too,” Abuelo whispered back. “But she is watching over us from Heaven, now. She is at peace.” 

Lance leaned into his Abuelo’s side, and the old man wrapped an arm around his grandson. 

“She told me-“ Abuelo cut off, taking a deep breath before continuing. “When she was sick and in the hospital, she told me that she felt the worst about leaving you. She knew you would take it the hardest. She wanted to do anything to spare you this pain, mijo.” 

The tears were falling again, and Lance stuffed his face into his Abuelo. 

“I want her back,” Lance whimpered, his voice cracking.

“I know,” Abuelo whispered, rubbing Lance’s arm soothingly. “I know.” 

-

The funeral was awful.

Lance lived it like he was in a dream. 

There were so many people there. Aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, relatives, all people Lance hadn’t seen in years or ever, even. They all greeted him and said their condolences. Lance didn’t talk to any of them. He didn’t even want to talk to Marco or Luis, when they arrived, but he gave them both a hug. Marco patted him on the back and asked him if he was ok. Lance shook his head ‘no’. Marco didn’t ask any more questions after that.

Lance sat in the church pew as his uncle and father both took turns giving eulogies. He held onto Chrissy’s hand the entire time. They both cried silent tears.

At the reception, there was plenty of nice food and photos of Abuela, but Lance didn’t eat or look. He didn’t even move. He sat in his chair and poked at the little sandwiches his mom had placed on his plate. 

He wasn’t sure he would ever be hungry again. 

-

They went home on Sunday, but Mamá stayed with Abuelo. She said that he couldn’t be left alone right now, that she needed to stay for a little longer with her own Papá. 

Lance’s papa said he could manage these hooligans for a little while longer. 

Monday morning rolled around and Lance really didn’t feel like going to school. Before, he was so overwhelmed with pain and grief and sadness that he couldn’t go half an hour without crying. But now? Now he just felt empty. Devoid of emotion.

“Lance, you want some cereal before school?” Papi asked when Lance reached the kitchen.

“Not hungry,” Lance replied. 

He sat and watched as Veronica and Chrissy silently ate their own cereal.

“You sure?” Zoilo tried again. “You need energy for school.”

“I don’t want to go to school.”

Thick silence descended upon them. Veronica and Chrissy glanced between him and papa, wondering what was going to happen. 

Zoilo sniffed and straightened his back, crossing his arms. “I know, but too bad. You have to go back to school to get some sense of normalcy back. It’ll be good to see your friends again and get back to work.”

“What’s the point?” Lance scowled at the table. Deep down he knew he shouldn’t talk back to his papa, but right then all he could think was that he had to do something to stop feeling this big empty _nothing._ “School is stupid and I hate my friends.”

Well, it was obvious Lance didn’t mean that.

“You obviously don’t mean that. You’re just upset, Lance. And you’re going to school so pack your bag and eat breakfast. Now.”

Lance flinched a little, scared of his father’s strict tone. He obeyed and poured himself a bowl of Cheerios. 

Lance got to school and sat down in his desk. Immediately, he put his head down, not wanting to see or talk to anyone.

Mme. Morin came by and placed a gentle hand on his back. Lance looked up and saw her give him and sweet smile and a look that said ‘I understand, and I’m here for you’.

She moved on and started the lesson, but Lance didn’t move on at all. Her smiling face stayed cemented in his brain, and it started filling him with warmth. 

Well, this was certainly better than that nothing he had been feeling earlier. 

Later, at recess, he sat at the wall while his class played manhunt. He wasn’t in the mood, and no one questioned it when he sat out.

Well, no one except Keith, of course.

“Hey,” Keith said, plopping down beside Lance. “Why aren’t you playing.”

Lance shrugged as he stared glumly at his knees. 

Keith didn’t respond, didn’t say anything at all. They sat in silence for the majority of the recess, letting the minutes tick by slowly. Lance knew Keith must have been worried, because why else would Keith waste his recess sitting here with Lance?

Lance supposed he should probably explain himself, then, if he was taking up Keith’s recess.

“Keith?” His voice was much quieter than he’d been expecting.

Keith still heard him. “Yeah?”

Lance took a deep breath. “My grandma died.”

“I know.”

Lance’s head shot up, giving Keith an incredulous look. “How?” 

“Your mom called my mom, and then my mom told me,” Keith explained. 

Lance’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why?”

Keith shrugged. “So that I would know why you’re so upset.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I wanted to give you the chance to say something first. I didn’t want to force you to talk about it.” 

“Oh.” 

That was... actually really thoughtful and sweet. It made Lance smile, and that alone astounded him. He hadn’t smiled once since May 31st. 

“Thanks Keith.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

They sat in silence again. Then the bell rang. Both boys moved to get up. 

“And Lance?” 

Lance turned around to look at Keith. Keith, his best friend, who was looking at him with his midnight blue eyes. 

“If you do want to talk about it, with me, you can.” 

Keith offered him a small, shaky smile, and that was all Lance needed to step forward and wrap the shorter boy into a hug. 

It took a second, but Keith hugged back, just as tight. 

“Thanks Keith,” Lance whispered. 

They pulled apart and got into the lineup to head inside.

Later, during class, Matt pulled a joke. Something about how the principal could eat his shorts, in a voice that sounded strangely like Bart Simpson. Lance laughed his ass off along with the rest of the class.

And it shocked him. It really did. Because he didn’t think he would ever be able to laugh again.

When Lance got back home and his papa asked how his day at school went, Lance ran and gave him a hug. 

“Was it a bad day?” Zoilo asked, fearing his son was hurting even more after his day at school. He was just trying to do what was best for them. It killed him to see his children in so much pain. 

But, to his surprise, Lance shook his head and squeezed tighter. 

“No,” Lance said, his voice half muffled by his dad’s shirt. “It was a good day. You were right.” 

Zoilo let out a tiny breath of relief and held his son to his chest. “Good. I’m glad, hijo.”

-

Days passed slowly. Mamá returned home. Life went on. And Lance grieved. 

The rest of grade eight faded away. He graduated elementary school, and they had a big party at a hotel to celebrate. The girls got dressed up and their hair done up. The boys wore suits and ties. Lance wore the only suit he owned. The suit he wore to the funeral. But he wore a bright blue tie this time.

The party was surprisingly fun. Lance was awarded a medal and a plaque for achieving the highest grade among all of the graduating kids. 

And Lance was proud of himself. Happy, even. But it was bittersweet, because he knew that Abuela was never going to see him graduate elementary school. Never going to see him graduate high school or college or anything.

-

-

It was sometime in early July when his mom noticed.

“Lance!” She gasped in horror.

She grabbed him by the arm and stared in horror at his wrist. He was wearing a t-shirt because it was so hot out, but obviously that had been a mistake. 

“Lance, mijo, you’re so thin... why are you so thin...” 

Lance fidgeted and shrugged. What could he say to that?

“Lance what have you been eating? Have you been starving yourself?”

The demands came off her tongue like fire, like accusations, like Lance had done something evil. Lance didn’t meet her eyes.

“Your clothes hardly fit you anymore!” Andreia accused. “You’ve lost so much weight. When did this happen?” 

Lance wanted to run away and hide. Why has he worn a t-shirt? 

“I’ll make you some food. Would you like garlic knots for dinner, maybe?”

“No.”

Andreia paused. “No?”

“Not hungry.”

“Lance.” Her voice was heavy and strong. Uh oh. “You need to eat something. You aren’t healthy.”

“I’m not hungry,” Lance protested. “I don’t want to eat.”

He wasn’t sure why he was fighting her on this, he just knew he didn’t want to eat ever again. And he didn’t like that she was forcing him. 

“Well, I don’t care. You’re going to eat something. And from now on, I’m going to make sure you eat every meal.” 

Fuck. It had been way easier to hide this when mama had been gone. What was he going to do now?

“You can’t make me do anything!” Lance shouted.

Fight her, apparently.

Andreia glared him down. “Lance Alejandro McClain, do _not_ raise your voice at me.”

But Lance was spiralling. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to eat. That was the only thing he had left! That was the only thing he could control! He couldn’t control Abuela’s death or Keith’s and hid friendship or his episodes of panic, but he could control this. He could say no when his body asked for food. He could ignore the pains of hunger. He could be offered a piece of cake and say _no._ He had restraint and control over that, and there was no way he was giving that up. 

“I’m not going to eat and you can’t make me!”

“Lance if you don’t fix this behaviour immediately I’m taking you to the hospital.”

_The hospital?_

Lance’s heart kickstarted in panic. No no no nonononono. Not the hospital.

“Why? I’m not sick,” Lance protested, but his resolve was deteriorating.

“Well, you obviously have some sort of eating disorder if you won’t eat anything!”

_Eating disorder....? No.... surely that wasn’t what this was..._

“I... I don’t have an eating disorder,” he mumbled.

“Good,” Andreia barked. “Then that means you’ll eat like a normal human person!”

Lance flinched. He was _normal._ He wasn’t sick. And he didn’t have a stupid eating disorder! 

“Fine,” Lance hissed through clenched teeth. “Just don’t take me to the hospital.”

“Good,” Andreia backed down a little. “I’ll make you a sandwich.” 

Lance nodded stiffly.

He ate the sandwich with the tiniest bites possible. It took him over thirty minutes to get it down and his mama watched his the entire time. She wouldn’t let him leave the table until it was all gone.

It felt like swallowing sand. It felt like he was eating poison. And Lance knew that was dramatic but he couldn’t help but hate every single second of it. 

Afterwards, he went to his room and cried for an hour. And after that, he couldn’t help but lay on his floor and wonder if he really did have a problem...

-

-

Lance decided he didn’t want to have a problem.

After doing enough googling on eating disorders, he decided he didn’t have one. He decided this because it seemed really likely that he actually _did_ have one... and he didn’t like that... so he told himself he didn’t and he wouldn’t. 

His new resolve was to try and act like a normal person. He could control that. That would be his new thing he could control. He would allow himself to eat when his mom made him, and he would eat everything on his plate. Then, he would no longer have an ‘eating problem’ and everything would be ‘normal’. 

He fooled his mother into thinking he was normal, and he even fooled himself too.

For the summer, he was ‘normal’, and his mom stopped demanding things of him and watching him with a careful eye. He was happy she wasn’t worried about him anymore. She had enough to worry about as it was.

Eventually, though, he stopped needing to remind himself to eat. Eventually, he started eating because he was actually hungry again. Eventually, he truly did enjoy eating and not feeling sick afterwards. 

Eventually, he began healing, piece by piece. He hadn’t even realized how messed up he was inside, and he still didn’t really comprehend it. All he knew, was that eating felt good again, and that was enough for now.

He liked to think that Abuela was watching over him, and that she was proud Lance had gotten rid of this problem all by himself. He felt stronger, somehow. And he smiled up at the sky and thanked Abuela for watching over him.

The sun shone down on Lance’s face and he was filled with warmth. 

Maybe... maybe everything _would_ be ok...

-

-

-

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment and/or a kudos if you cried while reading it :,( 
> 
> (Or leave one if you laughed at the poopy pants part. I did and I’m basically still a five year old at heart)

**Author's Note:**

> So, like I said, the story is based off my life but it’s not word-for-word. I’m going to change things and leave out some details, but I wrote this in order to deal with some of my own shit. It’s very personal, but I want it to be that way. And I’m probably not going to explain what’s true to my life and what isn’t, so just enjoy the story as what it is.
> 
> Or I guess you don’t have to enjoy it, I just hope you do:)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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